


Because there's no backspace in real life...

by AtoTheBean



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Chris wears glasses, Coming Out, Confessions, Discussions of sexuality, Epistolary, Friends to Lovers, Loneliness, M/M, Massage, Old Friends, Pinto de Mayo 2018, Serious Talks, Slow Burn, Texting, awkward and inappropriate questions, awkward sexting, bi-phobia, extensive use of found images, for real, friends to lovers? sort of?, getting reacquainted, gratuitous Pinto nods, gratuitous use of poetry, like really slow not in the same room or even country much of the time, not everything in the past happened like they thought it did, planning for the future, thank god for mobile devices, they make bad choices in person, zach makes texting errors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-05-02 15:33:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 33,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14547849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtoTheBean/pseuds/AtoTheBean
Summary: One bad decision can put a friendship in a tailspin.  But maybe that's okay if it means you finally start really talking (texting).  About the past... and about the future.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Pinto de Mayo, Beans! Here's my offering for this year's festivities. It's been fun to "come home for the holidays", as it were. I expect to update twice weekly or so. It's not finished, but I have ten chapters written, and I'm pretty close to the end. So, hopefully we won't have any long delays. Thanks to NixDucky and Punk for betaing and holding my hand, as usual. And to all you Beans, joining me once again at the holiday table full of pies and murder cupcakes. Cheers to us!

**March 28, 2018**

_11:58 p.m._

LLAP: Hey man, congrats on the new role.

CP: Uh… what new role? And what are you doing up at 3 a.m. eastern? Go to sleep old man.

LLAP: The… what is it? Farmer? Train engineer?

CP: You must have me confused with one of the other Chrises. I don’t have anything like that going.

LLAP: I just figured you were being “method” with your current sartorial choices…

CP: …

CP: You’re an asshole.

LLAP: You love it.

CP: I love _pockets_. Especially on planes. It’s a utilitarian choice. And you of all people don’t get to throw stones.

CP: May I remind you of Exhibit A:

CP: 

LLAP: Okay, fair. But there are options with better pockets that don’t adapt toddler-ware into a new definition for “manchild”

CP: You are on a roll tonight. Can’t sleep? Or did you set an alarm to give me shit in the middle of the night?

LLAP: The night is warm. The Prosecco is cold. This could work for you: 

[ https://www.scottevest.com/shop/mens-jackets/mens-winter-jacket/revolution-jacket-men.shtml ](https://www.scottevest.com/shop/mens-jackets/mens-winter-jacket/revolution-jacket-men.shtml)

 

_12:05 a.m._

CP: Okay, you have a point. That would address the pocket issue. And zippers would keep things from falling out, which sometimes happens when I try to use the tiny restroom and

LLAP: ...

CP: You know what? Nevermind.

LLAP: …

CP: Just stop

LLAP: I’m sorry, I actually dropped the phone I was laughing so hard.

LLAP: I just imagined you undoing the front bib and everything crashing to the floor.

CP: That only happened once.

LLAP: …

CP: shut up

LLAP: …

CP: Seriously. Whatever you’re typing, erase it. I’ll buy the jacket. I’m buying it now.

LLAP: It’s for the best. In many ways, it would seem.

CP: Hush.

LLAP: and less mockery from the press

CP: from the press???

LLAP: and I’m sure airport girl will appreciate being seen with someone who doesn’t look like they’re wearing Garanimals.

CP: Who?

LLAP: Airport girl… you were photographed with her in the airport when you were wearing the brown ~~monstrosities~~ overalls. New girl?

CP: Oh. No. I mean, she’s nice, and she’s newish. And she’s a girl, obviously. But no. it’s not serious. It’s already

CP: I mean, it’s hard to find serious when I’m on location six months out of the year. And if I acknowledge I can’t do serious right now, I’m labeled a womanizer by the tabloids. So.

LLAP: So may as well be a manchild. Who is simultaneously playing hot dad roles, according to the press.

CP: Something like that. We aren’t all as lucky as you.

 

_12:13 a.m._

CP: Zach?

LLAP: Yeah. Sorry. Go on.

CP: Anyway, I DID think I had something that might be serious a few months ago, but I’ve been assured it wasn’t. I guess the idea of being my partner is more appealing than the reality of being my partner.

LLAP: I’m sorry. That’s… relatable, actually. You cared about her?

CP: Him. And yeah, I did. And the press still hasn’t caught on that men are an option for me, so when they saw us together we never got any shit, which is ALWAYS present if I’m with a woman, even if we’re just friends. It was just… nice. He came on location and people assumed he was an assistant and would leave us alone.

 

_12:16 a.m._

LLAP: You were dating a man?

CP: Yeah. You know I’ve dated men. We’ve even fooled around.

LLAP: I thought you were experimenting.

CP: Well, isn’t every relationship an experiment until you land on the one that’s right?

 

_12:20 a.m._

CP: Zach? You falling asleep on me? I’d understand...

LLAP: No.

CP: ...

CP: Wait, isn’t it threatening snow in NYC?

LLAP: I think so.

CP: Then… where are you that the night is warm and you’re sipping Prosecco?

LLAP: I think maybe we have a lot to catch up on, Chris.

LLAP: I’m at Villa Sophia.

CP: What? Right now?

LLAP: On the patio.

CP: That’s literally 3 minutes from my house.

CP: When were you going to tell me?

LLAP: I wasn’t sure. It was last minute, and I know you’re busy and I’m

LLAP: Anyway, it’s warm tonight, and the room comes with a bottle of Prosecco, and I can probably see your rooftop among those houses to the west. And It got me thinking of those summer nights in Silver Lake. Remember? So here we are.

CP: How long are you here for? Is Miles with you? I will definitely move some meetings around so we can hang out.

CP: and of course I remember, you idiot.

 

_12:25 a.m._

CP: Zach?

LLAP:...

LLAP:...

LLAP: No. He’s not.

LLAP: We’re no

LLAP: I didn’t mean to send that. I was trying to backspace.

CP: Oh god I walked into it, didn’t I? I’m terrible about keeping track of tabloids or whatever, and normally it’s a good thing. And I’ve been shooting forever… completely disconnected from reality other than my own, barely keeping in touch with anyone.

LLAP: It’s fine. You couldn’t have known.

LLAP: I haven’t told anyone yet.

LLAP: I think I’m here specifically so I don’t have to tell anyone.

LLAP: Except you, I guess.

CP: What happened?

CP: no, don’t answer that here

LLAP:...

CP: Should I come over? I can cancel my morning meeting.

LLAP: That’s not why I texted.

CP: I know. Look, give me ten minutes to write some emails and cancel tomorrow. What room are you in?

LLAP: 12. It’s on the third floor.

CP: I’ll be there in 15.

LLAP: You really don’t have to. It’s late, even here.

CP: ...

CP: I won’t push myself on you, but

CP: look, if it were me dodging to a different coast to hole up with a broken heart, I’d want to be alone and lick my wounds. But you’re not me. You need people. And I

CP: We’ve barely been in contact for the last year, but you’re still one of my best friends. This easy way we fall into talking again after time apart. That’s important.

CP: If you want a few days away from the world, I get it. I’ll keep my phone with me if you need to reach out. But

CP: Well, you mentioned those summer nights in Silver Lake. It wouldn’t be very different from when I was dealing with the Dom breakup. I mean, you were together longer

CP: and maybe this is just a hiccup.

LLAP: It’s not.

LLAP: We’ve had our hiccups. We’ve

LLAP: I didn’t leave for those. I’ve tried really hard to make things work

 

_12:35 a.m._

CP: Zach?

 

_12:45 a.m._

CP: Zach? I’m getting worried.

 

_12:48 a.m._

LLAP: I’m hree. Sorry. Ihd

LLAP: I had to put the phone down for a minute.

CP: It’s fine. I canceled my meeting tomorrow. I’m here if you need me. I even have a pint of Jeni’s organic non-dairy coffee and brown butter almond brittle ice-cream I can bring over. Or a bottle of scotch, if that’s more the thing. Don’t tell my trainer.

LLAP: God, I should probably just sleep, but yeah. Bring them over. I’ll leave the door open a bit so you don’t have to knock or talk to the front desk. Just come in.

CP: I’ll be there in 5.

 

**March 29, 2018**

_9:52 a.m._

LLAP: I’m sorry.

LLAP: Please don’t leave. I don’t know why I did it.

CP: YOU DON’T KNOW WHY YOU DID IT?

CP: Is that supposed to make me feel better?

LLAP: No. I mean. I know why I did it. Or some of why. But it obviously doesn’t all have to do with us, and it wasn’t fair.

CP: How long have you even been broken up?

LLAP: Not long enough… probably longer than you think, but

CP: Did any of it have to do with us? Or was it just convenient that I was in the room?

LLAP: I’m not sure I should answer that…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to fellow Bean srarahcha for actually going to Jeni's and reccing this flavor. I was going to use salted caramel, but I'm assured this is a better choice when comforting a broken heart.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note I've added some additional tags. And also please note that this is definitely going to be longer than 13 chapters because I'm working on Chapter 13 now and I'm not writing the end. But since I don't want to make another lousy guess, I'm leaving the 13 in place until I have an actual answer. Thanks again to Ducky and Punk for helping me with the rough spots.
> 
> Now, if you'll recall the end of the last chapter, Chris had stormed off...

**March 29, 2018**

_9:54 a.m._

CP: Dammit Zach, I was trying to comfort a friend.

CP: Not

LLAP: I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let you come over. I’m too much of a mess and we have too much history,

CP: Our _history_ is a decade-plus friendship

CP: Isn’t it?

LLAP: Yes.

LLAP: But

LLAP: No, you’re right. It is. And it’s important. And I really don’t want to lose it right now.

 

_10:06 a.m._

LLAP: Please tell me how to fix this. I can’t lose you, too.

LLAP: Come back and let’s talk about it. I’ll order some food and we’ll skip the Prosecco and I’ll try to act like a grownup.

CP: that sounds like a horrible idea

CP: not being a grown up. THAT’s a good idea

 

_10:15 a.m._

LLAP: Chris.

 

_10:43 a.m._

CP: sorry, Wednesday needed a walk if I was going to have any peace.

CP: And you aren’t going to lose me. We’ve had awkward moments before

LLAP: thank god

LLAP: can I see you?

CP: Not today.

LLAP: Okay. I understand.

CP: How long are you in town?

LLAP: I haven’t decided. Just a day or two, though. I have a play that starts rehearsals on the 2nd and I should be back on Eastern time a day or two ahead of that.

CP: Congratulations.

LLAP: Thanks.

LLAP: I have a meeting at Paramount day after tomorrow. That was my excuse. I could have done it via WebX, but I needed out of New York for a few days.

 

_10:57 a.m._

CP: Look, I’m not judging, okay?

LLAP: okay

CP: I completely get it… needing to feel wanted after a split. I’ve done the same thing myself… part of how I got my womanizer rep. Not completely underserved, if I’m honest.

LLAP: …

CP: But I can’t be that for you.

LLAP: I understand. Next time we’re together, I’ll keep my hands and lips to myself

CP: that’s not what I

CP: I think it would be best if we didn’t get together

CP: For a while

LLAP:...

LLAP: This feels like losing you

CP: It’s not, I promise

CP: I just think

CP:...

CP:...

CP: We’ve been friends a long time. Good friends.

CP: But as I look back on the last few years, we haven’t talked as much as we did when we lived in the same town.

LLAP:...

CP: and that’s okay. That happens. We’re both busy, so when we aren’t in each other’s pockets for filming, we lose track of each other.

LLAP: Okay.

CP: But after last night… or this morning… I’m wondering how much of what I think is true about your life and our friendship is just me projecting.

LLAP: This is really sounding like a breakup.

CP: it’s not.

CP: I’m not suggesting we cut each other out of our lives. I’m proposing _really_ talking again and getting to know each other rather than coasting on the relationship we built 10 years ago. I’m not the same as I was back then. Are you?

LLAP: No. Despite all evidence, I’d like to think I’ve grown up since then.

CP: So. We carry on. You text me shit about my overalls and I expand my collection of Zachary’s Fashion Absurdities, but we also

LLAP: What? Talk about our feelings?

CP: God no. That sounds awful.

LLAP: …

LLAP: You’re the only person I know who can make me laugh even when I’m on the verge of tears.

CP: THAT! We also share things like that. And try to understand each other’s daily lives a bit.

LLAP:...

LLAP: That doesn’t sound so bad.

LLAP: And I think you’re right. You surprised me yesterday, too.

LLAP: So, you DO want to get together while I’m here?

CP: I honestly think it will be easier to do this if we aren’t in the same room.

LLAP: Chris. I _can_ restrain myself. You’re not _that_ hot.

CP: I’m sure.

CP: Thanks.

CP: It’s not that I don’t trust your restraint. Last night was a special set of circumstances.

CP: But

CP: Look, you must have noticed that I kissed you back at first.

LLAP: Yeah. I was wondering if you’d caught that.

CP: We’ve always had this crazy chemistry. And it’s awesome… it probably launched my screen career when it bled into Kirk and Spock.

CP: But I can’t have casual sex with you, Zach.

CP: I know we’ve done it before, and I know I do it with other people, and I can’t even explain to you why I bolted, but I just really can’t.

LLAP: So… you don’t want to be in the same room because you don’t trust _your_ restraint.

LLAP: I feel much better, actually.

CP: Shut up.

CP: You’re such an asshole.

LLAP: I really am.

LLAP: That’s probably why I’m holed up in a posh hotel room hiding from the world.

CP: Dramatic, too. Anyone ever tell you that?

LLAP: It may have come up. Once or twice.

 

_11:12 a.m._

CP: Hey, do me a favor?

LLAP: Anything.

CP: Have you showered?

LLAP: Uh… no.

CP: Grab a quick one and put on some clothes. Your breakfast is being delivered in a half hour. When it comes, sit with it out on your patio and text me.

LLAP: Got it.

 

_11:45 a.m._

LLAP: I can’t believe you had these delivered.

CP: You’re outside?

LLAP: Yes, on the balcony with coffee and a half dozen pastries. OMG, they’re still as good as I remember. Better. How is that possible?

CP: You deny yourself carbs, so now fresh baked goods are even more delectable.

CP: And you’re post-breakup, so you get to eat poorly and not feel guilty.

CP: Enjoy. I’m over here with an egg-white omelet. But we are enjoying the same sunshine.

LLAP: Chris. Just… thanks.

CP: Don’t stay in a dark hotel room the whole time you’re here. You’ll be returning to the snow soon enough. Get some vitamin D. It helps with perspective.

LLAP: Good advice.

 

_11:55 a.m._

CP: I’m sorry about you and Miles.

LLAP: Thanks. Me too.

CP: I know I’ve been pretty out of the loop. From here anyway, it looked pretty good. But I know that can be deceiving.

LLAP: Parts of it were amazing. Parts have been falling apart for a long time. Maybe we’ve been so busy we’ve been coasting and projecting, too. I guess we reached a tipping point where the first didn’t make up for the second.

 

_12:21 p.m._

LLAP: I’d forgotten how nice sunshine and mild weather are.

CP: Good for cheering a person up.

 

_12:40 p.m._

LLAP: I’m sorry about this morning.

 

_12:58 p.m._

CP: I’m not.

CP: I mean yeah, I was a bit shocked.

CP: and proceeded to very maturely completely overreact.

CP: But. maybe it was the jolt we needed to notice we’ve been coasting for a while and need to actually engage again.

LLAP: Yeah, I don’t want wake up and find you gone and not know why. If this shakeup will prevent that, it’s worth the mortification of you fleeing my bedroom

CP: I didn’t _flee_.

LLAP: You really did.

CP: …

CP: Okay, I pretty much did.

LLAP: That feeling… watching you go like that? It’s not something I ever want to feel again. So go ahead and assign whatever self-reflection homework you want...

CP: I’m not assigning homework. Or if I am, it’s for me, too.

LLAP: It’s fine. I’ll be doing the self-reflection anyway.

 

_1:15 p.m._

LLAP: My agent just called and my Paramount meeting got moved up to tomorrow, and she has another audition for me in NY after that. So my hiding is being cut short.

CP: Bummer.

LLAP: It’s probably for the best. Might get used to sunshine and wallowing.

 

_2:08 p.m._

CP: So, this might be a bit indelicate.

LLAP: uh-oh

CP: I’ve just sent you the name of this club on Sunset, along with my membership number. You're on the guest list for the next few days.

CP: If you’re happy hanging out in your very nice hotel, that’s great. But if you need to get out, this place is members (or member’s guests) only and very private.

LLAP: But you wouldn’t be joining me

CP: No, I can’t be that for you. But I do get it.

LLAP: So…

LLAP: You’re saying that, in the aftermath of my breakup and disastrous hit on my best friend, if I need to get my rocks off before I’m sequestered with a cast of 8 very hot gay men with whom I really _shouldn’t_ dabble, you know a place that won’t complicate my life or make the tabloids?

CP:...

CP: Uh, yeah. In essence. Sorry if it feels weird and this isn’t part of what our friendship is about. I just

LLAP: Oh no, this can totally be part of our friendship now. And it’s gay?

CP: Not specifically, but I’ve picked up men there.

LLAP: That… is sort of strange to hear. But okay. I don’t know if I’ll use it, but I appreciate the option.

LLAP:...

LLAP: Hey, would you know if I went, since it’s your membership?

CP: Nope. You can tell me if you want, but I won’t be notified.

LLAP: Okay.

LLAP: So, I told you all sorts of things about Miles last night. Do you want to tell me about your guy?

CP: Adam?

LLAP: I guess, if that was his name. You said you were serious.

CP:...

CP:...

CP: It’s not that I don’t want to tell you. I’ll tell you everything. But let’s do it on another day. I think it’s best if we only poke one bruise at a time.

CP: The sun is out, I have a day with no meetings and no obligations, the orange trees are in bloom, and you’re in my time zone. Let’s talk about something dumb. What movies have you seen lately?

LLAP: You Hollywood types are all alike.

CP: Well, the only plays I’ve seen this year are a local production of Othello and the touring company of Shrek the Musical (with Luca). You want to talk about those?

LLAP: Movies it is. Did you see The Shape of Water?

CP: Loved it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note additional tags, and thanks to Ducky and Punk for all their awesome beta help. I've taken another stab at guessing how long this will be, but I'm still writing, so we'll see.

**April 2, 2018**

_10:27 a.m._

LLAP: 

CP: Oh wow. That’s beautiful.

LLAP: You’re missing the critical point. It’s April second.

CP: You took this today?

LLAP: Just now.

CP: Well, it’s still really beautiful.

LLAP: In January this would be beautiful. In April it’s just cruel.

LLAP: 

CP: Brrr. Poor cherry blossoms.

LLAP: Yeah. And not just them. Everyone over 12 has a worn, bitter, duped expression.

CP: and under 12?

LLAP: A snow day by any other name…

LLAP: My toes are frozen and I can barely believe that a mere 48 hours ago I was warm and the scent of wisteria was on the air.

 

_10:45 a.m._

CP: Was your flight okay?

LLAP: Uneventful.

CP: Good to be home?

LLAP:...

LLAP:...

LLAP: I don’t know, honestly.

LLAP: The loft feels really empty. He took the last of his stuff while I was gone.

LLAP: And the city was supposed to be in bloom and full of new potential. Everything feels sort of off.

LLAP: The dogs were happy to see me, though.

CP: They’ll be warm at least. When do rehearsals start?

LLAP: At 2. I’m walking there now but wanted to visit the park.

CP: Write me tonight and let me know how it goes.

LLAP: I will. What have you got today?

CP: Lunch meeting. And I need to go if I’m not going to be late. Traffic’s a mess.

LLAP: Yeah, here too.

CP: Really?

LLAP: No.

LLAP: 

 

_11:07 p.m._

LLAP: You up?

 

_11:15 p.m._

CP: Yeah, just getting ready for bed. It’s late there. Things go okay?

LLAP: Definitely. We got out of rehearsal at 10 and then the whole cast went to grab some food.

LLAP: I’m still all jazzed and not ready to sleep.

CP: That sounds promising.

LLAP: It was great. Well, it started a little awkward. Apparently, they all knew about the breakup through the grapevine. And my co-star Charlie is also having issues at home, and the director gave this talk about leaving our lives outside the stage door and only working with the drama on the page, etc.

CP: The usual.

LLAP: Exactly. And I just said I was here to be Harold and that seemed to satisfy him. But the best part was on the second read through, after some group exercises, there was a moment when I felt him. Like I knew who he was and for a moment we were there together in my skin.

CP: Oh, that’s the best feeling!

LLAP: It was just for a moment… we’re still working on dropping lines and blocking and breaking so the director can list props and sets we need. But I wasn’t expecting it yet.

CP: I know what you mean. I’m always terrified when I take a new role that this is the character I won’t find… and I’ll just stumble around being _me_ in the wrong time and place. No wonder you’re buzzing. That feeling is like a drug. Just the relief of knowing he’s there and you just have to figure out how to tap him on demand.

LLAP: EXACTLY!

LLAP: I knew you would get it.

LLAP: Miles got most of it… what it is we do. But he never really understood the thrill of finding the character, and how impossible it was for me to calm down after it happened for the first time.

CP: It’s a hard thing to get if you don’t have the experience. It’s just visceral.

LLAP: Yeah.

 

_11:30 p.m._

LLAP: Did Adam get it? Are you ready to tell me something about him?

LLAP: Or, you know what, it’s late. We don’t have to.

CP: He didn’t. At all. He was… is… a lawyer for Children’s Hospital. We met at a fundraiser when I was doing those Miracle Network spots.

LLAP: A lawyer. That’s… wow.

CP: Unexpected, I’m sure. But you’d understand if you met him. He can be really serious, but at that fundraiser he was interacting with the kids. He’s a complete goofball and had them laughing more than I did.

LLAP: And you like to laugh.

CP: I really do. More and more that’s what I look for, you know?

LLAP: So what happened?

CP: Well, there’s a long version, but I don’t have the energy for that right now. The short version is that all my travel was exciting at first, then logistically difficult, and then we got to “can’t you just find a nice TV series that would keep you home?”

LLAP: Ouch.

CP: Yeah. And I _have_ been doing a lot of TV, but I still love films. And I became convinced that he traveled with me so much in the beginning in part because he didn’t trust me to be faithful. Believed all the blind items about costars. Which, in the past were sometimes founded in reality. As you well know.

LLAP: But not lately?

CP: No. And not at all while we were seeing each other. And he just couldn’t believe me. So… that was that. We split while I was filming on location and by the time I got back I heard he was seeing someone else.

LLAP: I’m sorry.

CP: It’s not important. At least I don’t have to worry about being cast with him or anything. We may see each other at a hospital benefit, but we can easily avoid each other.

CP: There were a lot of aspects of my life he just really didn’t get or trivialized the complexity of. That sort of condescension gets old quickly.

LLAP: Yeah.

LLAP: So dating actors is trouble because there’s always competition and they’re overly dramatic, and dating non-actors is trouble because they don’t understand the rhythm of our lives. And that leaves us where?

CP: No fucking clue. And sorry… you were all buzzed and high off rehearsals and I’ve dragged you down.

LLAP: I’m the one who asked you.

 

_11:35 p.m._

LLAP: Did your meeting go okay?

CP: Yeah. Not sure it will lead to a role, but it was good.

LLAP:...

CP: I need to go to sleep. I have an early day. But keep me posted on rehearsals, okay?

LLAP:...

LLAP:...

LLAP: Okay. Goodnight Chris.

CP: Goodnight Zach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always to Ducky and Punk for beta help. I've mucked with this one since they last saw it, so any errors are my own.

**April 14th, 2018**

_5:30 p.m._

CP: Hey, thanks for sending the rehearsal pictures. They’re awesome. It looks like you guys are having fun.

 

_9:17 p.m._

LLAP: Glad you got them! We are having fun. It’s some dark stuff, but Matt and I are finding some good humor in it. The rest of the cast is great as well. But it’s hard material and we’re all touched by it personally, so that’s interesting — figuring out how much of that to bring in.

LLAP: Matt is cracking me up though, and his family comes to pick him up sometimes, and they’re sickeningly adorable.

CP: I’m sure.

LLAP: I’ll try to send pictures of them too.

CP: Keep them coming... all the pictures.

 

**April 19th, 2018**

_4:39 p.m._

LLAP: I got your voicemail. Your mom okay?

CP:...

CP: Yeah. They decided it was just dehydration. They’re holding her for observation, but she’s fine.

LLAP: That’s good. You sounded worried.

CP: When I called you I still didn’t know what was going on, but the doctor mentioned they were testing for stroke, and I freaked out.

CP: And I knew you were in rehearsal. Sorry. I wasn’t really thinking.

LLAP: You can always call me with stuff like that, Chris.  Anytime. I’ll always call back as soon as I can.

CP:...

CP: Thanks.

 

**April 30th, 2018**

_1:00 p.m._

CP: Break a leg tonight!

LLAP: Thanks! It’s not _real_ opening night. Just previews.

CP: Even so. Nervous?

LLAP: Not at all. Rehearsals have been great. Final rehearsal was flawless. I’m not prone to superstition about good rehearsals leading to bad performances.

CP: You know, for an actor, you’re a terrible liar.

LLAP: Not as bad as you.

CP: You make a valid point.

 

_1:07 p.m._

CP: So how are you really?

LLAP: I stopped throwing up an hour ago. I’m good.

CP: It’s going to be awesome.

CP: You’ve been so excited the last few weeks… I just know it’s all going to click.

LLAP: Thanks. And I don’t know if I’ve said it enough, but I appreciate all the little encouragements you’ve sent.

CP: …

CP: Don’t mention it.

 

_3:20 p.m._

LLAP: What are you up to today?

CP: I’m running some errands right now, and then tonight there’s a play at this little theater down the street I thought I’d check out.

LLAP: I thought you California boys eschewed the theater.

CP: I know you know better than that.

CP: We can compare notes on our theatrical experiences later.

LLAP: Deal.

CP: Have you eaten dinner?

LLAP: Not yet. I’m not leaving until 5.

CP:...

CP:...

LLAP: Okay, you’re right. I’ll eat now.

CP: I didn’t even manage to get it written out in a way that didn’t sound like condescending nagging.

LLAP: Were you going with something like: “I know your stomach, and it will be happier if you haven’t eaten a mere hour before the show starts?”

CP: I was going with a pithy “you need an hour before you jump in the pool” concept but I couldn’t get the metaphors to work.

 

_5:54 p.m._

LLAP: Okay, I’m here. I’ll catch you on the other side.

 

LLAP: 

CP: Sounds good!

 

_11:36 p.m._

LLAP: I can’t believe you were in the front row!

LLAP: Very sneaky, Pine!

CP: Glad I could make it out. You were incredible!

LLAP: So the little theater down the street wasn’t in Silver Lake.

CP: Nope. Down the street from my hotel.

LLAP: Sure I can't lure you out with us? I know the plan now. We’re heading to The Distillery.

CP: Nah. Go have fun with your cast. I have an early meeting, and it’s going to be hard enough to get up for it without spending the next few hours drinking. But if it goes well, I’ll be out again next month, and will definitely come out with you all then.

LLAP: if you’re sure. I’m glad we at least got a few minutes backstage.

LLAP: It was really good to see you. Really good.

CP: I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. It’s a great production. You should be really proud.

LLAP: Thanks. Good luck tomorrow.

CP: I’ll let you know how it goes. Now go out there and enjoy your afterglow.

 

**May 5th, 2018**

_7:16 a.m._

CP: Have you seen the reviews this morning?

CP: “Quinto gives Harold a depth, intelligence, and fierce intensity that makes us love him, cheer for him, even when his biting humor exposes truths so uncomfortable as to make us squirm.”

CP: “Quinto’s performance is funny, clever, biting, and utterly heartbreaking.”

 

_7:30 a.m._

CP: Zach? Are you not up yet?

 

_8:20 a.m._

LLAP: I’m up now.

CP: Congrats!

LLAP: Oh, thanks. I haven’t looked at anything yet. What were those quotes from?

CP: Times’ arts section.

CP: You okay? You sound off… late night?

CP: Too much celebrating?

 

_8:24 a.m._

LLAP: That is a good review. I hope they’re all like that.

LLAP: Miles came to the show last night.

CP: WHAT? Oh shit.

CP: was he with someone? Are you okay?

LLAP: idk. He was with a group, but the way he hugged me at the stage door, it was clear he wanted to come home with me.

CP: oh…

CP:...

LLAP: I didn’t invite him back. But I did something almost as stupid: drank way too much and brought a stranger from the bar home instead.

LLAP: Took me a while to get rid of him this morning. He was under the impression he was better than he was, and I’d want to hang out.

LLAP: Though your texts helped.

LLAP: He’s now convinced I was cheating on my boyfriend.

CP: Oh, god. That’s hilarious. Did he call you a scoundrel?

LLAP: No, he was surprisingly cool with the idea.

LLAP: I found a note in the bathroom after he left. His number and a message that I should call next time you were out of town.

LLAP: Needless to say, I tossed it.

CP: Do I need to call Rachel and have her do damage control?

LLAP: What? Oh… no. You’re in my phone as Christopher. He didn’t see anything he could go to the Enquirer with.

 

_8:27 a.m._

LLAP: In related news, I’ve decided to sell the loft.

 

_8:42 a.m._

CP: Sorry, phone call.

CP: Wait, what? I’m sure there are less extreme ways to keep this guy from finding you again.

LLAP: It’s not that.

LLAP: I just keep waiting for it to feel like mine instead of ours, and it really doesn’t.

LLAP: And he’s being generous, but at some point, I’m going to have to buy Miles out or sell and split the proceeds. And after seeing him last night, I know it will be cleaner just to sell.

CP: So, you’re really sure you aren’t getting back together?

LLAP: Positive. And it will be easier to move forward somewhere else. Besides, real estate here is crazy… we’ll make money on it. And then I can get something smaller.

CP: Well, sounds smart, then. You going to wait until after the run?

LLAP: I probably should, but no. Now that I’ve decided, I don’t want to wait.

LLAP: I’ll probably call my realtor today and give him a heads up… have him start looking at comps and find someplace else for me. It’s too overwhelming to contemplate alone.

CP: Man, I wish I could help, but I know nothing about the market out there. If you were looking here I could help — I looked at enough myself to have ideas. But Manhattan… no idea.

LLAP: I wonder if I could get closer to the park

LLAP: Ugh, I have such a love-hate relationship with shopping for real estate. In some ways, this will be so much easier without a partner. Only myself to please. But motivation will be hard. Just thinking about areas I want to look in has me going in circles.

CP: Hey Zach, will you take some advice?

LLAP: Sure.

CP: Just concentrate on the play for now. Talk to your agent about getting your place ready to sell, and maybe ideas about things to buy, but don’t stress over it. You have time. Use it. Be aware as you walk around the city now… note areas that feel right and good, favorite shops and restaurants, and start a list. Then in a few weeks when I’m out again, you can show me and I’ll help you think it through.

LLAP: Really?

CP: Absolutely.

LLAP: Do you know when you’re coming?

CP: The meeting date isn’t final, but it looks like May 24.

LLAP: This is for that UK film?

CP: Yeah. If I get it, I’ll have to go to London eventually, but for now, we’re meeting in the middle. I guess they’re also scoping out potential film locations for the American scenes, so…

LLAP: You don’t have it nailed down yet.

CP: No. And I’m not agonizing over it at all. (sarcasm)

LLAP: So you want it?

CP: The longer they dangle it out there without deciding the more I want it. Probably all reverse psychology… bastards.

CP: It’s been a while since I had to do three readings for something.

CP: But it’s an ensemble cast, and I think they’re looking for the right mix of folks, and not locking anyone in until they find it.

LLAP: Speaking of ensemble cast, I need to get my ass back down to the theater for the matinee.

CP: Enjoy basking in your reviews. I’m sure it will be an exciting time backstage.

LLAP: Thanks, Let me know when you get that date nailed down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always to Punk and Ducky for making this better and helping me think things through.  
> And thanks for everyone's comments...I so love reading them.

**May 14, 2018**

_9:26 a.m._

LLAP:  ** W 77th St * 2 bed, 2 bath * Park View * Pet-friendly**

LLAP: **21 W 86th St 15G * 2 bed, 2 bath * Pet-friendly**

LLAP: ** 1 Lincoln Plz 26R * 3 bed, 2 bath * Park View * Pet-friendly**

LLAP: **30 W 63rd St 5M * 2 bed, 2 bath * Pet-friendly**

 

_11:07 a.m._

CP: I’m sensing a pattern.

CP: You decided against the upper east side?

LLAP: Did you know Trulia now has maps showing median ages of residents in different neighborhoods? Parts of UES I like are in the 65-year range.

LLAP: UWS is more like 40. So…

CP: good thinking.

CP: I love the floors in the first one. But the kitchen is crap.

CP: I love the weird angles of the last, but that view is of a street median, not the park

LLAP: True, but it’s huge.

CP: Too big for just you. It looks bigger than your current place. And you love the park.

LLAP: I do.

CP: …

CP: I think the third is best.

LLAP: You’re probably right. I’ll set up appointments to see the first three while you’re here if you really don’t mind helping.

CP: Of course. After my meeting is over, I don’t have anything planned except to spend the day with you and catch the play again. Put me to work.

 

_11: 22 a.m._

CP: Hey Zach, why are these all rentals? I thought you wanted to buy.

 

_3:47 p.m._

LLAP: Just... keeping options open. Who knows how long the loft will take to sell.

 

**May 20, 2018**

_6:15 p.m._

LLAP: I got the travel itinerary you sent. Seems like you’ll be pretty exhausted that first night. Want to meet in your hotel lobby at 9 the next morning? We can go grab some breakfast and go from there?

CP: Sounds good.

 

**May 29th, 2018**

_5:27 p.m._

LLAP: I got it!

CP: The place on Lincoln Plaza?

LLAP: Yeah. I can move in any time after the 15th. It’s not perfect, but I’m only locked in for a year, and that view is giving me peace. Plus, the walk to the theater is only 15 minutes.

LLAP: AND the show’s definitely going the full 15-week run, with a possibility of more.

CP: Wow, that’s great!

LLAP: What about you? Have you heard from London?

CP: I got a message that they want a web meeting with me and my lawyer. So I assume I’ll be getting a draft contract soon.

LLAP: Fantastic!

 

_5:35 p.m._

CP: It was fun hanging out last week.

LLAP: Yeah, even though I dragged you all over town and we only talked about apartments.

CP: That’s what was happening in your life. That’s what we said we wanted to catch up on.

LLAP: Yeah.

LLAP: I guess it just feels like I wasted an opportunity. You were actually here. We should have done something less mundane.

CP: Life is made up of mundane moments. I’m just happy I got to help you think it through. And it’s going to impact your life for a year. How often do we do things that important? If you’d come here we probably just would have hung out in the garden.

LLAP:...

LLAP:...

LLAP: I suppose…

 

**June 3rd, 2018**

_7:30 a.m._

LLAP: How closeted are you?

CP: jfc it’s too early for this. Good morning to you, too.

LLAP: Sorry.

LLAP: Good morning, Christopher. How did you sleep?

CP: Fine until 15 seconds ago.

CP: We’re not having this conversation until I make coffee.

LLAP: That’s fair.

 

_7:38 a.m._

LLAP: Did you fall back asleep?

CP: 

CP: two more minutes

LLAP: okay.

LLAP: *the jeopardy song is going through my mind*

CP: shut up, you fucking different-time-zone-asshole.

 

 _7:41 a.m_.

CP: Okay, I’ve had my first sip. What are you on about?

LLAP: I was searching for you and Adam online...

CP: because why??

LLAP: I’ve been up a few hours. Anyway, I think I found him. Dark curly hair? Skinny?

CP: that’s him

LLAP: Anyway, I found pictures, but no real mention of him, and meanwhile there were blind items probably referring to you about your beards and such, and I was just wondering if you were closeted and if that’s why he bailed.

LLAP: Sorry, that came out way more harsh and stalkerish than I intended.

CP: what are you _on_?

LLAP: Nothing.

LLAP: Well, I just had my 5th shot of espresso.

CP: unbelievable.

CP: To answer your inappropriately early and somewhat accusatory question, that’s not why he left.

CP: He’s a private guy, too, and saw enough of the paparazzi in our short time together to understand my iron grip on privacy.

CP: And he was protective of my career… worried that there’d be a backlash if he showed me any affection in public.

CP: I was more likely to touch him at a party than he was to touch me.

CP: But none of that really answers your question.

CP:...

CP: I’m less closeted than my agent would like, and more than my family would like.

CP: I introduced Adam to Cho and my parents.

LLAP: Well shit

CP: Exactly. If you’d been around I probably would have introduced you. He broke it off before I got the chance. You and I weren’t talking as regularly then.

LLAP: Wow.

CP: He understood that I’m private and that the tabloids make assumptions. I don’t think his issue was that I wasn't shouting it from the rooftops or on Instagram or whatever the kids do these days.

CP: It _was_ in part that he believed the blind items.

 

_7:45 a.m._

LLAP: And what was the other part?

CP: What?

CP: Oh, the other part is he has that _gay_ _hierarchy_ attitude.

LLAP: I’m sorry what?

CP: You know. Gay = pure. Bi = indecisive sluts. Bi-curious = straight boys to fuck but not take seriously.

CP: He was definitely suspicious that I identify as bi.

LLAP: You do? I’d wondered.

CP: Obviously. Which is what makes the beard comments so funny. Most of the time, I’m actually attracted to those girls — at least on some level — or we’re just going out as friends. If I’m not in a relationship, I’ll date casually. But the tabloids assert that either 1) we’re secretly engaged, or 2) I’m completely disinterested and using them in some grand scheme to hide my “real” tantalizingly gay relationship.

CP: I wish!

CP: More often, it’s just that I have nothing serious happening. It’s way more pathetic than they make it seem. It’s not a coverup; it’s just complacency.

 

_8:15 a.m._

CP: Why were you googling us, anyway?

LLAP: …

LLAP: A few weeks ago when I brought that guy home and he thought you were my boyfriend when you texted me so early… I was wondering if it would have bothered you.

CP: If my boyfriend were cheating on me? Hell yeah!  I’d have to put out a statement saying this was the final straw: couples counseling or I’m cutting it off.

LLAP: No, asshole, being mistaken _publically_ for my boyfriend. Though it would be funny to watch the press try to follow our couples counseling.

CP: Zach, that happens every time we take a walk together. Or I come to your play.

CP: Your own friends make public jokes about it.  No, I don’t mind. I never have.

LLAP: Oh...

LLAP: Well, I guess I thought that it would, and I’m still trying to wrap my head around you being in a serious relationship with a man.  I was curious to see what he looked like.

CP: Well, he was hot. Goofy hot, if that’s a thing, but he also looked great in a suit. And fucking smart. And did I mention goofy?

LLAP: Do you miss him?

 

_8:19 a.m._

CP:...

CP:...

CP: I miss how it was in the beginning.

CP: I thought maybe dating someone outside the business would be… idk stabilizing. Like, he wanted something real and stable and that’s what I wanted, too. And he was funny and sexy and a _power_ bottom, jfc.

LLAP:...

CP: I don’t miss the accusations and suspicions and fucking purity tests at the end. He knew I was bi when we started. I said I wasn’t fooling around. If he couldn’t take that at face value, we had no future.

LLAP: That was a lot of information.

CP:...

CP:...

CP: I thought that’s what we’re doing now. Getting caught up. _Really_ caught up.

CP: If it’s not, you shouldn’t ask these questions. I don’t want to have to guess about whether you really want to know.

LLAP: No, it is. Completely. This is what we’re doing.

LLAP: The fact that your answers surprise me just shows how much we need it.

 

_8:22 a.m._

CP: Is knowing too much about each other going to ruin our friendship?

LLAP: No.

LLAP: It’s going to change it, but I think that’s good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Punk and Ducky... I would honestly lose focus and momentum without you...

**June 16th, 2018**

_5:45 a.m._

LLAP: 

LLAP: Moving Day. No ~~buyer’s~~ renter’s remorse for this view.

LLAP: And I got rid of a lot of things as I packed, so I’m hoping unpacking won’t take as long.

 

_10:26 a.m._

CP: Hope it’s going smoothly. Can’t wait to see it with your stuff moved in.

LLAP: 

LLAP: there used to be a stack in the center.

LLAP: I met one of my neighbors.

CP: Cool. Nice?

LLAP: She has a chihuahua.

CP: Oh. Well, I’m sure she has some redeeming qualities.

LLAP: She likes my dogs.

CP: There you go.

 

_10:26 a.m._

LLAP: Do you think it’s strange, the way we

LLAP: Sorry.

 

_10:40 a.m._

CP: The way we what?

LLAP: Nothing, don’t worry about it.

CP: Zach. Spit it out and don’t be such a drama queen. The way we what?

LLAP: The way our conversations feel more real when we’re texting than when we’re together.

LLAP: You were here for a day and a half helping me look at places, and I could have asked you more about Adam, or whomever you’re dating now, or what it’s like to be bi, and I didn’t do any of that. I asked whether you like the black granite kitchen better or the white quartz.

LLAP: But we weren’t always like this, were we? We used to talk about real stuff in person.

CP:...

CP: Well, we used to be in person a lot more. And that granite question was pretty important at the time.

CP: What has you all contemplative?

LLAP:...

LLAP: I’m unpacking boxes. Keepsakes from one of the Trek tours.

LLAP: And don’t get me wrong, I loved having you here and the time flew by, but I just sort of… I guess I fall into a pattern of behavior… almost like a role… where everything just stays light and airy and sort of insubstantial.

LLAP: And I’m trying to figure out my motivation.

LLAP: Am I scared to open up to you in person?

LLAP: Am I scared of how you’ll respond?

LLAP: Am I just so happy to be with you that I slip into the role and enjoy myself?

CP: Would that be so wrong?

LLAP: I don’t know. It feels like…. You deserve more. Like it’s keeping us stuck in some holding pattern. And I’m selling us both short.

CP:...

CP: Well, that dynamic you described? You aren’t the only one who does that. We both slip into secret-handshake, dude-bro friendship banter.

CP: I keep forgetting that Miles isn’t watching from some corner to make sure I’m not showing too much affection.

CP: Sorry, that was insensitive. He probably didn’t really do that.

LLAP: No, he totally did. You held back because of him?

CP: Of course. I wanted to be invited back.

LLAP: Well, don’t do that anymore. You’re always invited back.

CP: Zach, you can’t know that.

LLAP: This is my place now, and it has three fucking bedrooms — which is a ridiculous number, but that view is killing me.

LLAP: So next time you’re in town, you’re staying here. Like we’re actual friends. And I won’t be an idiot and kiss you when you’re trying to be my friend, but we’ll talk. About anything.

CP:...

LLAP: I just have to buy another bed first. Give me some time to make that happen.

CP:...

CP:...

CP: Okay. Next time I crash at yours.

 

**June 20th, 2018**

_11:24 a.m._

CP: I got the part!

LLAP: Fantastic!

LLAP: So what does that mean for your schedule? Does filming for _Knives_ start soon?

CP: No, it’s delayed. I think this one will lap it. It’s moving quickly.

CP: Schedule’s not clear, but I think I’ll hit London to sign the contract on my way to Africa. Patrick’s put together this “boys’ trip” that we’ve rescheduled a few times now, and I think it’s finally going to stick.

LLAP: Right. Sorry I can’t join.

CP: You don’t like motorcycles anyway, and the play is a good gig… you should keep it as long as you can.

CP: I’ll probably be incommunicado for a while.

LLAP: Sure. Understandable.

LLAP: Careful of the heat.

CP: Yeah, though it’s about the same here, and cools off more at night. We’ll just have to lay low in the middle of the day.

LLAP: Actually, I might be coming back to LA soon to meet with a director… if I can set it up for after the first run of the play is over, I was thinking I might try to schedule some other meetings as well and stay for a while. Maybe hang out with you if you’re around.

CP: Do you know when you’re coming? I hope the timing works.

CP:...

LLAP: No, she’s trying to set up readings with a few people so she has casting ideas before we talk about production. And the play may be extended.

CP:...

LLAP:...

CP: Even if it doesn’t and I’m out of town, if you’re coming out for a week or so and don’t want to kennel the dogs, you can stay at my place.

LLAP:...

LLAP: You’re sure?

CP: Absolutely.

LLAP: That’s…

LLAP: If you’re sure, that could be really helpful.

 

_12:07 p.m._

CP: I’m sure.

 

**June 23rd, 2018**

_1:17 p.m._

CP: Hey, sorry I missed your call earlier. What’s up?

 

_1:32 p.m._

LLAP: I saw Miles today.

CP: Are you okay?

LLAP: Yeah. It was good actually.

CP:...

LLAP: We had the walkthrough with the realtor to check out the staging of the loft. There’s an open house tomorrow, and given the state of the market, it’s expected to go quickly.  Faster than I originally thought.

LLAP: It was sort of surreal. It was our place, but it didn’t look or feel like ours. Everything is different, and he seems different, and that feeling that I used to get when he first left… like everything was closing in and everything we’d been was for nothing… I didn’t feel any of that.

LLAP: He’s seeing someone, I think.

LLAP: and even that didn’t hurt.

CP: That’s good, I guess. But you know it really hasn’t been that long. It would be okay if it still hurt a little. You’re allowed.

LLAP: I know. But it was really fine. He was sort of tiptoeing around me, trying to not rub anything in my face, and I just found it sort of… not funny, exactly, but strange. And unnecessary.

LLAP: It made me realize that I feel good. I know you think it’s only been 3 months, but really it’s been at least 6; we were just in denial for 3. And maybe it’s been more like 9 since things were actually good.

LLAP: He asked me if I was seeing someone, and I told him Harold is the only man in my life right now.

LLAP: other than my texting habit with you.

LLAP: And then I came back here and the dogs greeted me and it’s sunny and the park is beautiful. And this place still doesn’t feel like home, and I’m only renting, and I still feel like I have a bad habit of yanking myself up by the roots periodically, but today for the first time it really feels like where I’m supposed to be and not just my consolation prize. Or at least _a_ place I’m supposed to be.

CP: That’s fantastic. I’m

CP: That’s so great to hear.

LLAP: and also, I want you to know how much you’re helping me

LLAP: One of the problems with breaking up with Miles is that we’ve been together almost the whole time I’ve lived here. So most of my NY friends are _our_ friends.

LLAP: Having the cast to hang out with has been great, but being reminded that I had a life and friends and success before I came here is also really helpful.

LLAP: I think I’ve been using you as a sort of lifeline

LLAP: I hope you’re getting as much out of the texts as I am.

CP: Don’t worry about that. I’m enjoyin

CP:...

CP: Reconnecting with you is really important to me. If I’m helping you remember that your life didn’t start when you moved to NY, all the better. But really, I’m just glad we’re caught up with each other again, and I don’t want to lose that, even when we get busy.

CP: so I have a favor to ask.

LLAP: anything.

CP: I’m going to start traveling a lot again, and I won’t always be able to answer your texts right away.

CP: But I’d like you to still send them… just whatever’s on your mind, like you have been.

CP: I promise I’ll respond to them all when I’m back in cell range.

LLAP: You sure? You get time off from my crazy self if you want it.

CP: But I don’t. I’m going to be on the road for a few weeks, then in the UK again, then home for a week, and then filming might start. And some of that time I’ll feel connected to my life… touring with Patrick and the guys, but then other times…

CP: I think it would help.

CP: You aren’t the only one who isn’t always sure you’re doing what you need to be doing, you know?

LLAP: Okay, I can do that.

CP: and I was thinking about what you wrote a while back, about it being easier to talk about things when we’re not face-to-face.

LLAP: yeah, I probably need to get over that.

CP: Or we could use it. Commit to talking about hard stuff. If it feels safe to do it here.

LLAP:...

LLAP: You’re going to be trying to work. Are you sure that’s the best time for serious discussions?

CP: I won’t respond until I have the mental space to give it the attention it deserves, but at least I’ll know what’s on your mind and can formulate a response that’s real.

LLAP: And I’ll do the same, if you want to ask me something hard.

CP: And no pretending. Honest answers only.

LLAP: We’re actors.

CP: Right, so we pretend for others. But not with each other. Okay?

LLAP: Okay.

 

_1:41 p.m._

CP: Are you scared?

LLAP: No. Excited, I think. I have to run to the theater.

CP: Break a leg. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Punk and Ducky for all their help, as ever.
> 
> One point of clarification. Zach's role in "Boys in the Band" is Harold, so when he talks about "Harold" being the man in his life, that's what he means... he's not referring to his old cat whom I believe is now dead.
> 
> Hope you enjoy...

**June 24th, 2018**

_9:15 a.m._

LLAP: 

LLAP: The whole cast was on a float. I’m trying to drag myself away and get my head clear before the matinee.

CP: I bet it’s awesome! Still hours to go before the march here.

CP: I was debating whether or not to head down off the hill, but you’re inspiring me. Maybe I’ll make it in time for the shows, at least.

 

_12:23 p.m._

CP: 

 

**July 4th, 2018**

_9:46 a.m._

LLAP: I know you’re in the air, but Happy 4th.

LLAP: Safe travels.

LLAP: Hope you really bought that jacket and aren’t travelling in overalls again.

 

_11:56 p.m._

CP: Fuck you, Patrick says I’m trend-setting.

LLAP:...

LLAP: You realize he’s probably being ironic…

CP: Well, you’ll never know…

LLAP: Chris, there are already pictures on the internet.

LLAP: 

LLAP: smh

CP:...

CP: Fine asshole, you know the truth. At least I’ll be cozy on the plane.

CP: I’m turning my phone off now. One more flight and then we’re on the road.

CP: Sleep well, Zach.

LLAP: Safe travels, Chris.

 

**July 7th, 2018**

_9:32 a.m._

LLAP:  

 

**July 8th, 2018**

_10:45 p.m._

LLAP: So, it’s sort of strange knowing you won’t be able to respond right away.

LLAP: But I’ve been reading back through our old texts, and realizing that even in those, there seem to be a lot of things unsaid.

 

_10:48 p.m._

LLAP: So, I’ll start with something hard that I didn’t say before. You told me that you and Adam broke up in part because he believed in the “gay hierarchy,” and I’d never heard of anyone refer to it like that before, but I recognized what you meant immediately.

LLAP: And I hate to say it, but I’ve been guilty of that attitude in the past.

LLAP: I think in part it’s self-preservation. It’s hard enough to be gay and find someone who isn’t playing around or still experimenting, and it’s easy to say “I’m only going to date other men who are out and through their shit and know what they want... and what they want looks something like me.”

LLAP: And so I’ve definitely preferred to date gay men to ones who identified as bi or pan, because I felt more confident that they were really attracted to me. And I was in a pattern for a long time of being attracted to men that I realized were completely inaccessible for what I wanted, and therapy helped me realize that drawing lines on what I was willing to put energy into would be… healing I guess.

LLAP: I also think it’s an issue of relatability.

LLAP: I’ve known I was gay almost since before puberty, despite trying very hard to fit the confines of my upbringing.

LLAP: The only time I kissed a girl, it was a disaster.

LLAP: Needless to say, the first time I kissed a boy was completely transformative.

LLAP: I can’t relate to being attracted to women, and it’s hard to understand how someone attracted to women could possibly be attracted to me.

LLAP: So I guess on some fundamental level I don’t believe it, or don’t trust it

LLAP: But after rereading what you wrote, I realize that if you’re truly bi, it must suck to have entire swaths of men — and probably women, too — write you off because of something you can’t help.

LLAP: So I’m trying to put myself in your shoes and imagine how it would feel, and I find I have all these _really_ inappropriate questions that I can’t even bring myself to ask.

LLAP: But I’m going to try to be more… understanding I guess.

LLAP: and if I’ve ever said something that made you feel that I didn’t consider some aspect of your experience authentic, I’m sorry.

 

**July 10th, 2018**

_2:34 a.m._

CP: You should ask your questions.

LLAP: Why are you up now?

CP: Insomnia. And it’s cool and really pleasant.

CP:  

LLAP: Wow. Beautiful.

CP: It’s nice. And I was happy to see your texts. So ask away.

LLAP: They’re really inappropriate.

CP: Well then lucky for you I’m in a really peaceful and open mood. What do you want to know, Zach?

LLAP: Okay, but feel free to tell me to fuck off

CP: Aren’t I always?

LLAP: Well, yeah, but that’s normally teasing.

LLAP:...

LLAP:...

LLAP: Have you ever been with a man and a woman at the same time?

CP: Wow, you weren’t kidding. Like, at exactly the same time? As in a threesome?

LLAP: yeah

CP: Yes, once. I didn’t like it.

LLAP: Really? I’d think that’d be some sort of nirvana for bisexuals.

CP: Well, for some I’m sure it is. But I don’t really like sharing. And I tend to be into one person at a time. I’m not knocking polyamorous relationships or even the occasional threesome or whatever, but I don’t find it enjoyable or appealing.

CP: Being bi or pan doesn’t mean I’m attracted to everyone all the time. It just means that when I find I’m attracted to someone, I’m not much bothered about whether they’re male or female or whatever. And it’s not because I don’t know what I am or what I like, but I can find joy in both. Like… the beach and the forest. I don’t like one more than the other. When I’m at the beach, I’m not wishing it had more trees. I don’t find either one inadequate or lacking or anything but what it should be. I don’t want them at the same time. I just like them both.

LLAP: You’ve given this speech before.

CP: A few times, yeah. Does it make sense?

LLAP: Theoretically. It’s hard to understand viscerally though, since it’s not my experience.

CP: What else? You said “questions” plural.

LLAP: That probably covered a few. So when you’re in a relationship, you’re monogamous?

CP: That’s the goal. I’m better at it now that I’m older. I definitely fucked up in the past — not because I’m bi but because I was young and stupid — but I like to think I learned from those experiences.

LLAP: Yeah, I think “young and stupid” is a fairly universal experience.

LLAP:...

LLAP: Were you more tempted to cheat with a man if you were with a woman, and vice versa?

CP: Like, is it more appealing because I haven’t had it in a while? Something along those lines?

LLAP: Yeah, and sorry, I told you it was inappropriate.

CP:...

CP:...

CP: You know, the truth is I haven’t been in that many real relationships… ones that lasted more than a month or two, say. Of those, I cheated twice, and both times I was dating a woman and cheated with a woman.

CP: There have been times when I am just casually dating, and then it might be true that after going on a few dates with different women, I’ll go to a club where I know I’ll be able to meet a man. But I don’t feel that urge when I’m in a relationship… I really don’t. I’m sort of a sap and get all into the person and… yeah.

LLAP: Which I imagine made it particularly insulting when Adam didn’t trust you.

CP: See? You do understand.

LLAP: Trying, anyway.

CP: What else? I’m actually getting a little sleepy, but this is good.

LLAP: One more and then you should go to bed so you don’t crash your motorcycle tomorrow.

CP: Sure, mom.

LLAP: Are you dating anyone now?

CP: Uh, no. Not really.

LLAP: Sounds like there’s more to that…

CP: There’s a guy I saw a few times in June, but it wasn’t going to go anywhere and when I got the role and realized how much traveling I’d be doing the next few months, I didn’t want to split my energy, so I broke it off.

LLAP: Oh. Well, but you told me to text you during that time.

CP: Exactly. I’d rather spend what little time I have beyond work keeping in touch with you.

CP: Can I ask you something?

LLAP: Of course.

CP: You told Miles you weren’t dating anyone. Is that true?

LLAP: You, Harold, and the dogs are the only men in my life right now.

LLAP: And in a few weeks the show will likely close, and Harold will be gone as well.

CP: Okay, but not even dates?

LLAP: Not since I moved to the new apartment. I’ve had some of my neighbors over — I’m not a total shut in — but I’ve been pretty content to be celibate and work my shit out and give my energy to the role, you know?

CP: Yeah. I do actually.

CP: I’m going to bed now. Must be close to bedtime for you too.

CP: But keep posting your inappropriate questions. I’ll answer them when we get back into a town in a day or two.

LLAP: Okay.

LLAP: Hey, you aren’t sharing any of this with Patrick, are you?

CP: No. This is just for us. They say hi, though. They know we’re in better contact now, but I’m not sharing details of your life other than the play, and certainly nothing about breakups or inappropriate questions.

LLAP: Okay, that's good. Say hi back.

LLAP: Enjoy your time in that beautiful place. It looks amazing.

CP: I’ll tell you all about it next time we see each other.  In the meantime, keep the texts coming.

LLAP: Okay, you keep the pictures coming.

CP: Deal.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is sort of a short one, as is the next. Sorry, but I really do prefer them separated.
> 
> So, funny story. As I was first writing this story, I started with Zach in an off-Broadway play... but then things about "Boys in the Band" started coming out, so I edited. And then Chris' trip to Morocco and the Middle East made my Tumblr feed... so I worked that in. And so on. The timing's off... his trip was in May and I have it in July... but I worked what I could in, just for kicks. So there are bits of reality and more bits of imaginings, all mixed together in the wrong time. In other words... fic.
> 
> Thanks to Punk and Ducky as ever, plus thanks to random people who have posted their amazing photos, which I've pilfered for our boy's conversations.

**July 11th, 2018**

_3:36 p.m._

LLAP: 

LLAP: Just four more weeks of this commute. Kind of hard to believe.

 

**July 12th, 2018**

_5:36 a.m._

LLAP: Good show tonight. Good audience. Good vibe. Tears.

LLAP: It feels quiet here at home now, and I’m too buzzed to sleep, so I’m going to ask some more questions.

LLAP: Just answer them whenever you can. Or ignore them. And definitely leave questions for me if you want… this is feeling a bit like an interrogation.

LLAP: Okay, here we go.

LLAP: When did you first realize you were bi?

LLAP: You said that you were drawn to Adam because you were looking for something stable, which I don’t think was true when we first met. So what are you thinking you want? Do you visualize that stable future more with a man or a woman, or is the vision not that specific?

LLAP: How are your parents dealing with the idea of you ending up with a man? Any pushback?

LLAP: And here’s a big one. I know you said that you weren’t closeted, but have you considered coming out as bi, publically? What are your thoughts there? Are you holding back because of your career? Have you just not had a reason to? Is it just nobody’s business?

LLAP: I think that’s enough prodding for one night.

 

_5:45 a.m._

LLAP: I miss stars. I wonder if you have good ones where you are.

 

**July 14th, 2018**

_10:05 a.m._

CP: 

CP: that’s from a few days ago.

CP: My phone didn’t work the whole time we were in Israel. Something about an extra plan I needed to buy.

CP: We did have good stars… we could see the Milky Way almost every night in Morocco.

CP: 

CP: I think I’ll be in contact the rest of my trip, though I might get bogged down once I start meetings in London in two days. So if I seem to fall off the map again, that’s why.

CP: And I might have to buy some new clothes when I get there and throw all of these away. There’s embedded dirt that no amount of washing will be able to remove.

CP: I know you and the entire world would mourn the brown overalls, so I’ll make an effort to save those. But any t-shirts that started this trip white have long since shifted to some earthtone or another.

CP: I’m trying to figure out when your messages came in… your time. Were we 5 hours apart or 6?  Was it just past midnight? I guess it doesn’t really matter. You’re doing theater, you’re basically on European time anyway. Once I get to London, we’ll be on the same schedule, no matter what the clocks say.

CP: So, that was a lot of questions. I don’t know if I’ll get to all of them before I catch a flight, but I’ll put a dent in it.

CP: Nothing’s hidden from my folks. I mean, they don’t know every last affair, but they know the basics. They know I’ve been in love with a man before. They’ve told me whomever I chose to bring into the family, that person will be welcome. They’d prefer some grandchildren thrown into the mix, but Katie’s taken a bit of the pressure off there.

CP: As far as what I’m looking for long term. Honestly Zach, I barely know how to put it into words.

CP: I want what everyone wants. A partner. Love. Sex. Laughter. Someone to do the crossword with. Someone to watch the dog when I have to work, and who trusts me to watch her when they work. Someone who _gets_ what I do and is willing to be on the red carpet, but isn’t with me _in order to be_ on the red carpet.

CP: It’s not a particularly grandiose dream.

CP: It’s proven damn tough though. The harder I work, the more I find people are attracted to the idea of me rather than to _actual_ me; the money or travel or… I don’t know. I literally have no idea what half of them want. And I’m not getting any younger. And the roles keep coming, and I don’t know when they’ll stop, so I keep taking them, which makes it harder to focus on anything else and draws more people for the wrong reasons. And I have no idea what to do about it other than "surf that wave" and try to be myself.  But I do worry that I’m going to wake up in 15 years to a hefty IMDB page and a big house and nothing else. Nothing that matters.

 

_11:26 a.m._

CP: Sorry, I depressed the hell out of myself and decided to go for a run and get a coffee. Probably my last chance for a while. The paps in London are vicious.

CP: I need to grab a shower and get on more planes. The rest will have to wait.

CP: But let me throw that last one back at you. What do you see for yourself long term? I remember you saying once that you wanted kids, but you seemed to let that go while you were with Miles. Is that still important?

CP: I’m assuming you’re fixed to the east coast, now that you’re a big Broadway star, but anything else to add to the vision?

CP: Maybe the play will come to London next…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since the last chapter was short, here's another a bit earlier than usual. Thanks to Punk and Ducky, as ever.

**July 14th, 2018**

_2:53 p.m._

LLAP: I think you’re in the air now. I hope you aren’t wearing the overalls AGAIN.

LLAP: As you said, you’re heading to London, so there will be paps pictures to document your sartorial choices within an hour of landing. Don’t even try to hide it.

LLAP: First off, those pictures are both stunning. It looks like you’re having an amazing trip (and brought the good camera), and I’m so glad, because when you work, you work really hard. You deserve these breaks.

LLAP: I almost feel bad for asking these questions, because some of your answers are obviously upsetting you and I probably shouldn’t be doing that to you when you’re trying to rejuvenate.

LLAP: But I do appreciate how… _raw_ your answer was. And if it’s any consolation, I understand. _Viscerally_.

LLAP: You asked about kids.

LLAP: How easy is it to be in your early 30s and say you want kids before 40? To just… take for granted that it’s a possibility.

LLAP: Now on the other side of 40, realizing how quickly 50 is likely to come, and living alone again… it seems impossible.

LLAP: A baby, at least, seems impossible. But maybe that’s okay.

LLAP: We both do enough charity events to know there are plenty of other kids who need homes. I’ve thought about that. It was something Miles and I used to discuss, actually. Inertia meant inaction, and now I have to say I’m grateful we never went down that road, considering where we ended up.

LLAP: But that’s something I still think about.

LLAP: I’ve even eyed this third bedroom and wondered if it would be big enough.

LLAP: But my schedule is not conducive to parenting, and may never be. That’s just the reality of my life.

LLAP: So, my most honest answer is I don’t know. I’d like a family, but I obviously decided with Miles I could live without one, and I think that’s still true. There are a lot of ways I can give my life meaning that don’t involve being a parent. So, I guess it would depend on whether I ever found a partner who was at least as excited by the prospect as I am. It’s not a deal breaker one way or another.

LLAP: I guess in some ways we’re both lucky we have straight siblings who can keep our parents in grandkids if need be.

LLAP: Speaking of, I’m glad to hear your parents are supportive.

LLAP: Doing this play has made me realize how lucky we are.

LLAP: As much as I bitch about certain roles being closed to me (if they were ever really open), the fact that we don’t have to fear blacklisting, daily violence, ostracization… it’s pretty wild how far things have come in such a short amount of time. Still a ways to go, and it’s troubling to have Trump (and worse, Pence) in office. We haven’t seen much shift to conservatism here in the city, but I still worry. How’s it been in LA? It’s a strange place… more conservative in some ways and more liberal in others.

LLAP: I should run some errands before I go to the theater. Hope things go well in London. Are you doing press or just meetings?

 

_7:23 p.m._

CP: mechanical problems, flight delays, and missed connections.

CP: and now this:

CP: 

CP: I’m too grumpy to answer questions, but thanks for your answers.

CP: And I know what you mean about siblings. Being an uncle is pretty awesome.

 

**July 16th, 2018**

_1:38 p.m._

CP: I have a serious problem.

LLAP: What happened? Are you okay?

CP: I discovered two new tailors and bought four suits.

LLAP:...

LLAP: Fuck you, Pine, you actually had me worried. Are you going to have to sell one of the convertibles to afford them all?

CP: Ha! Debatable. Three are being made and I’ll get them when I come back for shooting, but one is modified ready-to-wear that fit as if it were made for me, and I can have it for press at the end of the week. It really shouldn’t excite me so much...

LLAP: Well, don’t sell the Porsche.

CP: You have a favorite? I thought the cars were a “horrible LA bachelor cliché.”

LLAP: They are, but with good reason.

CP: Well, in that case, you can drive it when you visit. Unless…

CP: You haven’t forgotten how to drive, have you? All that walking and public transport…

LLAP: Such an asshole. You’re feeling better, I see. It’s been a while since you’ve given me this much shit before noon.

CP: Yeah, I’m feeling better. My bag finally showed up and I meet the cast tonight for a read through and a little party.

CP: This trip is all about getting fitted for costumes and props, a quick interview, and then home.

CP: They want us back in a week to shoot the outdoor scenes before the season changes.

CP: So I may miss it, but you can still stay at my place when the run is over.

LLAP: If you’re sure. I could use some time for Before the Door stuff. And honestly, I find I’m a little anxious to get out of the city. It’s fucking humid.

CP: I’m sure. I’m bummed I’ll probably miss you, but the schedule’s not firm yet, so we might overlap.

LLAP: Thanks. I’ll start making plans.

CP: I should go, but you asked about LA. I’d say if anything, Trump has galvanized the liberals and made LA fly the freak flag a bit more. We’re no San Francisco, but Pride has been even more active the last two years, combined with Resist. Only Orange County is bucking that trend, and that’s more to do with immigration than LGBTQ issues.

CP: I guess you’ll see when you get there.

CP: Let me know the dates when you can. Just email me and I’ll set everything up so you can get in.

LLAP: Will do.

LLAP: Oh, and Chris?

CP: Yeah?

LLAP: You’re a fucking menace.

CP: What?

LLAP: That white, completely transparent sweater and those tight, white jeans.

LLAP: aka

LLAP: 

CP: Hey, you told me not to wear the overalls again.

LLAP:...

LLAP: So I did.

 

**July 23rd, 2018**

_9:17 p.m._

LLAP: Chris?

LLAP: OMG Chris!

LLAP: Christopher.

LLAP: Did you just come out during an interview on BBC?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as ever to Punk and Ducky, my very supportive, very lovely betas. And also to all of you who are reading and commenting... I'm so enjoying hearing from you.
> 
> Hope this helps, after the last cliffie.

**July 24th, 2018**

_5:14 a.m._

LLAP: JFC the internet is going crazy. Are you okay?

LLAP: Please contact me.

LLAP: Your phone is going straight to voicemail, so I assume you turned it off.

LLAP: Which is probably a good, defensive move.

LLAP: I mean, of course, take whatever time you need, but…

LLAP: Just let me know you aren’t holed up in some bar toilet hiding from the media and unable to escape, okay? I know how hungry you get. I don’t want you gnawing on your own hand or something.

LLAP: Okay, that was stupid. Sorry. I’m sort of a strange combination of giddy and really worried, and I’m not sure what to do with it. Not being there with you and knowing what you’re feeling is making me crazy. But this isn’t about me. So… do what you need to, and I’ll see you on the other side.

LLAP…

LLAP: Chris.

LLAP: Congratulations.

 

_11:18 a.m._

CP: What would you do if I were hiding in a bar? Send the Gay Mafia to rescue me?

LLAP: Oh, thank god.

LLAP: Probably. I’d have to form it first, but you know what play I’m in… I could probably make it happen. Matt’s been writing every 5 minutes to ask if I’ve heard from you.

CP: I’m fine. Tell everyone I’m fine.

CP: It wasn’t planned, but it was deliberate.

CP: They asked if it was awkward playing a character who was bi-curious, and I’d been thinking about your questions, so it had been on my mind — why I hadn’t publically come out yet, what was holding me back, was it work, or my iron grip on privacy — and I just answered “Why the hell would it be awkward? I’ve played queer characters before, and I’m bi… it feels natural.”

LLAP: I saw!! You could hear a pin drop for a full three seconds.

CP: It was pretty hilarious. Here I thought it was the worst kept secret in Hollywood, but I guess not.

LLAP: I loved how your co-star’s eyes went wide and she just reached over and gripped your hand… like she understood what you’d just done and what it meant before anyone else… maybe even you… and wanted to shore you up.

CP: Yeah, everyone sort of leaned in toward me, and then when the cameras were off, EVERYONE was hugging me. It was great. The interviewer was crying.

LLAP: Well, you probably just made her career with that scoop.

CP: I don’t know why… not like I solved world peace or anything.

CP: Anyway, I had to call my family immediately and warn them what was coming, and my publicist, and… you know the drill.

CP: No one’s surprised, but they’re all dusting off the statements they’ve had in the wings for the last few years.

CP: Rachel’s changing my flight so I’m not mobbed at the airport. Here or in LA.

LLAP: Were they mad? The production team?

CP: No. They knew… we discussed it during auditions. They would have liked a heads up, but Michael saw it happen in real time and knew it was spontaneous. He just laughed and said whatever I’d just cost them in increased security around the film sites I’d saved them with free publicity, so… they’re fine.

LLAP: Good.

CP: I need to catch my flight, but we can talk more about it later, okay?

LLAP: Yeah… I’ll let everyone here know you’re okay. You really are?

CP: I really am. It’s surreal, and strangers are going to be in my business way more than I’d like for a while, but it’s good. And it will die down soon enough.

LLAP: It will.

LLAP: Congratulations! I mean it. I wasn’t asking the question to spur this… I hope you know that. I really just wanted to understand what you were thinking around it, but

LLAP: Anyway. You need to go. Be proud. I’m proud of you. For you. As usual, you make it look fucking effortless. Asshole.

CP: Thanks. Took me long enough.

LLAP: Took you exactly the right amount of time for you. Fly safe.

 

**July 25th, 2018**

_8:14 p.m._

CP: 

LLAP: Wow. Is that at your mom’s?

CP: Yeah, I got home late last night and crashed, then came over here today.

CP: Everyone’s here. Katie and her family. Wednesday (she’s really happy to see me).

LLAP: Things good there?

CP: Yeah, everyone’s happy for me. It’s supposed to be a party but I keep yawning.

CP: I’ve basically been up for something like 37 hours... I’ll be going home soon.

LLAP: Couldn’t sleep on the plane?

CP: I have trouble with that.

LLAP: I remember.

CP:...

LLAP: You were the toast of the cast tonight. Matt had champagne brought backstage and everything.

CP: and I wasn’t even invited.

LLAP: You would have been more than welcome. Everyone wants to know if you’re coming to see it again.

CP: God, I’d love to. I have to fly back to London early next week, but I think Rachel’s got me booked on a non-stop.

CP: I’ll see about getting it changed.

LLAP: It’s getting extended. The play. I was asked if I want to stay on.

CP: Do you?

LLAP: I don’t know. It’s a good gig, but I feel like I need a break. My understudy is ready to step in, though he said he’d be willing to share the role. He has a family and would be happy to let me keep Thursday-Sunday for a while...I might do that.

LLAP: But only after a solid break of at least a week.

CP: Still planning to come here?

LLAP: Yeah. Even though it looks like you’ll be in London.

CP: Mom says you’re welcome to come over for dinner sometime. They say hi.

LLAP: Give them hugs and say thanks. I'll probably keep to myself and my business, but I appreciate the thought.

CP: I’m heading home now. I might write more later.

LLAP: You should probably sleep.

CP: Yeah, I probably should.

CP: We’ll see if I’ll be able to.

 

**July 26th, 2018**

_11:27 p.m._

CP: Well, it’s pretty late there, so I don’t expect you to be up.

CP: it feels like… I don’t even know what time. And I can’t sleep.

CP: So I’m looking over your questions, and really there’s only one left.

CP: I’ve been putting this one off.

CP: In part because it can be interpreted a couple of different ways, and some of them I know you know the answer to.

CP: and to be honest, I thought you knew the answer to them all.

CP: But I’ve certainly noticed lately that people don’t always know the things I think they do, so I’ll try to answer explicitly and honestly.

CP: When did I first know I was bi?

CP: I hope you remember the story about The Very Awkward Moment in 8th grade when I realized my friends and I were not looking at the same part of the porn video Jonathan had found online.

CP: And you know the story of my first time with a guy at Berkeley.

CP: So I’m assuming that this question isn’t about physical attraction, but rather, when did I realize that my attraction to men wasn’t a phase or an experiment? When did I first think that it was integral to who I am? That I realized I could be in a relationship with a man?

CP:...

CP: I thought you knew this… I mean I guess I never really said it out loud but

CP:...

CP: Zach. It was Berlin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to say, all you Beans had me giggling in your reactions to last chapter's reveal. It was almost universally "BERLIIIINN!!!" 
> 
> So I want to acknowledge the help (intentional or otherwise) I've received from Beans on Tumblr. The general uptick in pinto fandom activity and photo reblogs has definitely been inspiring, and I've had folks message me and suggest pictures I could use, actually taste-test icecream for a more authentic detail, or message me about the story. It's made me want to try to roll in every tinhat observation or pinto meme, just for the joy of having the nod to the fandom. They aren't all here, but it's so fun to see the reactions to the ones that are. (I haven't made Pine pine himself in this story yet...must get on that). 
> 
> Anyway, thanks to all of you over here or over there. Feel free to come by http://ato-the-bean.tumblr.com/ if you want to share a photo or see what I'm working on. And as always, thanks to my intrepid betas Pink and Ducky. They're the best.
> 
> Now let's see...Chris said something about Berlin...

**July 27th, 2018**

_6.04 a.m._

LLAP: What?

 

_7:27 a.m._

CP: What what? Surely, you remember Berlin.

LLAP: Of course, but

LLAP: That can’t be right.

CP: Because?

LLAP: You were experimenting. I was your experiment. I was showing you.

CP:...

CP: Look, I don’t know what to tell you.

CP: I’m just trying to answer your question honestly, and that was it. And I know it wasn’t serious for you, and you made it clear when we got back that we only did that on press tours, but that’s when I knew.

LLAP: I made it clear?

CP: The handshake and bro hug and not answering calls and then moving to NYC? Yeah, that’s how I took that. And then the next tour you brought Miles, so…

CP: And that’s fine. I mean, probably for the best. But that was when.

LLAP:...

LLAP:...

LLAP: I thought you were going to break it off. And I went to Pittsburgh. I wasn’t just avoiding your calls. I was avoiding everyone.

CP:...

CP: Okay, if you say so.

LLAP:...

LLAP:...

 

_7:31 a.m._

LLAP: I think maybe I’m an idiot.

CP: You aren’t an idiot. And I’d be the first to tell you if you were. You made a good decision back then.

LLAP: How can you say that?

CP: Because it would have been a disaster. We’d been together for the wrong reasons and we were SO FUCKING YOUNG and if we had tried — really tried — and failed, we would have lost everything.

LLAP: What do you mean “wrong reasons”?

CP: It’s like

CP: We weren’t each other’s rocks… more like flotsam.

LLAP: Gee, thanks.

CP: Not just you. Things were so crazy and happening so quickly, and we were doing it together, succeeding together, but don’t you remember how wild it felt? We were just swimming as hard as we could. I think we clung together in part to keep afloat during the storm. But if that’s what it’d been based on, once the storm was over, would it have been enough?

CP: You’d come out. I wasn’t ready to do that.

CP: You wanted to go to NY.

CP: I would have never left LA back then. Not for anything.

CP: We would have been fighting or holding each other back.

CP: And you would have never been with Miles.

LLAP: And that would be bad?

CP: Absolutely, because it was a good relationship while it lasted. An important relationship. You’re who you are now in part because of it, and I like who you are now.

CP: We both would have missed out on things that have shaped us, personally and professionally, and it almost certainly wouldn’t have worked out back then, and it might have ruined our friendship and professional chemistry and tbh I wasn’t ready to really be in a serious relationship.

CP: I had multiple girlfriends tell me that.

CP: And I might have tried for you, but I can’t promise I would have been good at it.

CP: You made a good call. I didn’t see it at first, but I do now.

 

_7:35 a.m._

LLAP: You make some valid points.

LLAP: And as insulting as flotsam sounds, I get what you mean.

CP: We were surfing a wave.

LLAP: Yes. That said, Berlin was pretty amazing.

CP: Yeah. It really was. God, we were young.

LLAP: It wasn’t that long ago.

CP:...

CP:...

CP: Sometimes it feels like yesterday, other times it feels like a past life or something I saw on screen.

LLAP: It’d better not be on a screen. We’re both too classy for a sex tape scandal.

CP: Here I’m trying to be serious…

LLAP: I know. I’m sorry.

LLAP: I’m trying to figure out what to do with this.

LLAP: If I’d understood at the time that a relationship was on the table, I might have really fought for it, and if it didn’t work out, as you predict…

CP:...

LLAP: I think it would have been bad for me.

CP:...

CP: So see? Good call. And we’re both in better places now. I have a much better idea of what I want in my life and career, and you’re more self-reliant and resilient, judging from how this thing with Miles has gone down. And we’re still important to each other. We’re still texting in the middle of the night from across the globe, and calling each other asshole and making Trek films together.

LLAP: Calling each other asshole — the true sign of a deep and powerful friendship.

CP: And idiot. Don’t forget idiot.

LLAP: You won’t let me.

LLAP: Actually, we sound like an old married couple.

 

_8:02 a.m._

CP: Speaking of old married people, I’m meeting my dad soon to play golf.

LLAP: You play golf?

CP: Dad plays golf. I play whack-a-mole with golf clubs. But it gives us a chance to hang out without women. I need to get ready. We have a 9.a.m. tee-time. It gets too hot for him later.

LLAP: Okay, have fun, I suppose.

CP:...

CP: So... I’m out of questions now. You should send some more.

CP: Unless you know everything you want to now.

LLAP:...

LLAP:...

LLAP: I’ll send more in a bit. I’m still wrapping my head around this conversation.

CP:...

CP: But we’re okay?

LLAP: Chris. Yes. We’re okay. I just have to reinterpret the last five year’s worth of memories of our friendship. I mean, not completely, but some of what I thought was going on wasn’t really happening.

LLAP: You send me questions too, if you want. I feel like I owe you some answers.

 

_9.47 p.m._

LLAP: This isn’t a question so much as a request.

LLAP: Please come see the play again, if not on your way to London, then on your way back. I’m taking a week and a half off, from the 11th to the 23rd, and then will be Harold again on weekends starting the 24th.

 

_11.23 p.m._

CP: I’ll make it happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. (And look, no cliffie!)
> 
> (Also, chapter 16 is getting long and might be split, AND I've decided to add another chapter... so that "17" is no longer accurate... maybe 18 or 20. 20's a nice round number... we'll see.)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as ever to Punk and Ducky... I've messed with it a bit, so any mistakes are my own.

**July 28th, 2018**

_12:32 p.m._

CP: So I looked into being in NYC for tomorrow’s performance, but I can’t get the flights to work while getting me to London in time for my cast call.

CP:...

LLAP: I understand.

CP: BUT

CP: On my way back, I think I’ve moved enough meetings around that I could stay a while… maybe a week or so, if you were up for having me around that long.

LLAP: Are you kidding?!

CP: I mean, If that doesn’t work for you, I can just pop through for a weekend.

LLAP: Shut the fuck up. Of course I want you here for as long as you can manage. Though I’m going to have shows four days a week, so I can’t really play tour guide.

CP: I don’t need you to. I’m coming to see the play, after all, and hang out with you.

LLAP: Let me know which nights you want to watch and have tickets set aside. Or if it’s sold out I’ll just sneak you backstage.

LLAP: Matt’s going to want to hang out with you.

CP: Sure. Maybe we can go out with the cast one night.

LLAP: That’d be great! I can’t believe this is going to work out. I’ve started to think of you as my imaginary friend. Do you want to see anything else?

CP: Whatever you want to show me, man… I’m coming to be with you.

LLAP:...

LLAP: Do you want to stay here?

CP: I mean, if that offer’s still open, then definitely. But it’s a long time. If you’d rather, I can get a room.

LLAP: Stay here,

CP: Okay, I’ll stay with you.

LLAP: Good.

 

_12:43 p.m._

LLAP: When do you leave for the UK?

CP: Tomorrow. I’ll stay in London for a few days and then we head out to Wales for shooting.

CP: Hey, do me a favor?

LLAP: Of course.

CP: Send me some recommendations for books. I have one for the plane, but I’ll hit a store in London before we leave civilization. I want to know what you’ve been reading.

LLAP: You know, if you had an e-reader I could just lend you my copies of things.

CP:...

CP: I’m just going to pretend I didn’t hear that blasphemy.

LLAP: Yeah, I know. Lugging books around is part of your workout regime. I’ll have a list in your inbox before you land.

LLAP: Do you have a date yet for when you come back?

CP: My flight to NY is set for the 24th, but that might float a day or two in either direction depending on how filming goes… weather etc. We’re trying to get all the outdoor shots.

LLAP: And then how much of a break will you get?

CP: At least a month, it sounds like. They’re building the sets in the soundstage for the winter filming. October or November, they think.

LLAP: That’s not too crazy.

CP: No, not bad. And I should be home for the holidays, so that’s good.

CP: Do you know how much longer the play will last?

LLAP: They’re adding 8 weeks to the run and I’ve promised to do weekends for the first 4. We’ll see after that. I can dodge out at any point now, and it also sounds like they’re willing to let me keep it as long as I like. But right now it sounds like the rest of the original cast is only staying through November.

 

_12:48 p.m._

LLAP: I’m really glad you’re coming to visit.

CP: Me too. And I’m happy you’re staying here even though I won’t be here… isn’t that weird?

CP: I’ve started typing up a list of restaurants for you to try.

LLAP: That’s…

CP: Really dorky, I know.

LLAP: Thoughtful, I was going to say. Better than Yelp, I imagine.

CP: More suited to your tastes, anyway.

CP: I need to pack. Break a leg tonight.

LLAP: Thanks. Have you burned the overalls, yet?

CP: Not yet. Should I wear that white sweater again instead?

LLAP:...

LLAP:...

LLAP: On second thought, maybe the overalls are okay.

 

**August 1st, 2018**

_4:31 a.m._

LLAP: Got your voicemail, and that sounds good. I can definitely keep Wednesday with me while your folks are in Santa Barbara for the weekend.

LLAP: It’s hot as hell in the city this week. But the forecast is worse the next two weeks. Have I mentioned how much I’m looking forward to your patio and pool? I’m practically fantasizing about them at this point.

LLAP: As much as I like this apartment, the lack of a balcony is really starting to get to me. There’s a little garden on the roof, but it’s for everyone and not very private.

LLAP: I’ve been looking back through our texts and I’ve noticed you seem to be a lot more open with me than I am with you.

LLAP: I don’t think I’m doing that on purpose, but I’m going to try to follow your example.

LLAP: You asked a while back about what I wanted long-term, and specifically about kids, which I answered. But you also asked about whether I was fixed to the east coast, and I never seemed to get around to that.

LLAP: The truth is, I love this city, and it drives me crazy. There are days when I can’t imagine ever leaving and other days when I can’t believe I’ve been here this long.

LLAP: Lately I’ve been thinking back more fondly about my time in LA… living in Silver Lake, visiting you in Los Feliz… even sitting on the patio at Villa Sophia with Prosecco and wisteria before that trip went all to hell.

LLAP: My production company definitely isn’t flourishing the way I’d like it to, and it would be a lot easier to give it attention if I were on the west coast. But a lot harder to do plays.

LLAP: So as usual lately, I’m of two minds. Want two things. Feel caught between them. Whichever choice I make, it feels like some part of my life gets sacrificed a little. And I know that’s just life, and I just need to decide what I value more, but now that I’ve been here a while and have done a few plays on Broadway, I feel the call of LA more. Or... I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just be indecisive my whole life and move back and forth every 5 years or so. That should make it easy to find a partner.

 

_4:38 a.m._

LLAP: So, not a very definitive answer, but that seems to be my MO lately.

LLAP: And now you know why I’m renting. The loft sold, btw. I really thought I’d miss the aesthetics of it, and I do a bit, but the commute through the park and “old world charm” is getting me through for now.

LLAP: I should probably go to sleep… it’s close to midnight here and you’re probably getting up soon.

LLAP: We lead crazy lives.

 

_5:45 a.m._

CP: 

CP: Real “old world charm”. I thought Thomas Kincade painted fantasies, but apparently, it was photorealistic all along.

CP: Is it selfish of me to be pleased you miss LA a bit? I’m glad I can offer my place as a respite.

CP: And I actually understand what you mean about the pull of a place… now that I’m settled in LA, part of me wishes I’d let myself try other things before I became ensconced. I mean, it’s always been my home — my whole family is there — so it's not like I just moved there for the business. But that’s a problem, too. In a very real way, I never ventured out on my own.  Idk. It’s early here and the caffeine hasn’t hit.

CP: But there’s a part of me that envies you your loft in NY. The idea of it, at least. Though from a practical standpoint, I’m glad it sold without any trouble.

CP: And I don’t think liking two things makes you indecisive. It means you find happiness in variety. It’s good.

CP: I should get my shower and head over to makeup. I imagine these next two weeks aren’t quite as poignant now that you plan to play Harold a bit longer, but savor them anyway. You’re part of something special, and though I know you’ll move on to other great things, be sure to live enough in the moment to really enjoy it to the end. I’ll try to do the same here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whelp, I've done a lot of writing over the last few days (rewrote a bunch to get myself out of a corner), and I'm taking another guess about the length of this story... I'm shooting for 20 chapters now... so we'll see if I can stick to that. The last (currently planned at 20) will be an epilogue. 
> 
> Much thanks to my lovely betas for rereading sections I had to rewrite and generally being awesome. And thanks to all of you who comment. I have such a blast reading them and corresponding with you.
> 
> Also, mind the tags.

**August 8, 2018**

_6:30 a.m._

CP: In case I haven’t been abundantly clear in my emails, Snowdonia is fucking beautiful.

CP: 

LLAP: Wow. Is that a filming location?

CP: Yeah. What are you doing up?

LLAP: It’s only 1:30 and I slept in this morning. Everyone’s getting sentimental and going out after the shows, so my schedule’s shifting again. I’ll be on Pacific TZ by the time I fly to LA.

LLAP: I loved the pictures of the village you sent. It’s hard to imagine anything that quaint still exists in the real world.

CP: Don’t use the word “quaint” around them. It pisses them off.

LLAP: That sounds like the voice of experience.

CP: The best part is everywhere you go, people speak Welsh first and switch to English when you give them that deer-in-the-headlights look.

LLAP: That street sign was amazing… that was all one word?

CP: That’s not even a particularly long one.

CP: Oh god, I just had this vision of trying to play Scrabble in Welsh. Anyway, I know it looks wild, but it’s a beautiful language. I love hearing it. Wish I could understand more. Or any.

CP: I wis

LLAP: ?

CP: Sorry. It’s dumb, you’re a total city boy and I have no idea why I think you would like it, but I wish I could show you. It’s not like anywhere I’ve been before.

LLAP:...

LLAP: I wish I could see it too, Chris.

 

_6:38 a.m._

CP: So, how’s the play going? Still sold out?

LLAP: Yeah. I think this weekend will be wild. Charlie decided not to stay on, so this will be the last weekend with the original cast. Most of us are coming back later in the month to do the weekend shows, though.

CP: I’m being called to set.

LLAP: Break a leg.

CP: You too.

 

**August 9, 2018**

_3:45 a.m._

CP: Are you out of the theater yet?

CP: Or, never mind… you’re probably going out with the cast again.

LLAP: jfc, Pine, what are you doing awake? Do you have an _early_ early call?

CP: No, a storm’s come up. We won’t be shooting today. And the wind is rattling my windows. And my bed, which has been comfortable all week, suddenly feels lumpy and too small. And now my mind’s circling and I don’t think I’ll get back to sleep. So I thought I’d be annoying and text you repeatedly in the middle of the night.

LLAP: Well, you’re out of luck, because I’m not annoyed. I just got home a while ago and now I’m making some food before I shower.

LLAP: What’s got your mind going in circles?

CP:...

CP: it’s not really

CP: We don’t have to talk about it tonight.

LLAP: But we’re both up. Is it work?

CP: No

CP:...

CP: Do you ever think about Berlin?

LLAP: Oh

LLAP:...

LLAP: Yeah, I do. More and more, lately.

LLAP: I mean, since you said what it meant to you, I’ve sort of re-examined the entire experience.

LLAP: Have you been thinking about it?

CP: Yeah. It’s led to

CP: I may have some inappropriate questions of my own...

LLAP: About fucking time. Fire away.

CP:...

CP: So, the whole time we were involved in Berlin

CP: not that it was all that long, but

CP: What I mean is... do you top, exclusively?

LLAP:...

LLAP: I thought you were going to ask something hard and emotional.

LLAP: No, when I’m in a relationship I’ll do pretty much anything.

LLAP: In Berlin… I realize it was unfair of me now, but I really thought I was more at risk, emotionally. So by keeping my role consistent and… assertive I suppose… I was trying to maintain some emotional distance that I thought would keep me safe.

CP: did it work?

LLAP:...

LLAP:...

LLAP: Only so long as I thought you were just messing around. Looking back now, I’m not sure it did.

LLAP: I guess this did turn into a hard, emotional answer after all.

CP: sorry

LLAP: Chris, never be sorry for asking. This is what we do now, yeah?

CP: Yeah.

LLAP: I’ve been thinking about that time a lot. Wondering if I’d done things differently — protected myself less — things might have gone differently.

CP: We’ve been through this, Zach.

LLAP: I know your opinion. I just wonder. And in Silver Lake… remember that time we fell asleep together on your sofa?

CP: Yeah.

LLAP: I should have known. I felt you hard against me. I just didn’t believe it was for _me._

CP: Zach.

LLAP: Am I wrong?

CP: Of course not! Jesus, I was fucking crazy about you and had no idea what to do with it. But I don’t think second-guessing the past is productive.

CP: Think of those times if you want. Think fondly of them. Hell, beat off to it if you need to… Berlin was fucking amazing. But don’t beat _yourself_ up over it.

CP: Those particular ships have sailed, but

CP: And I really don’t think things would have worked out back then.

LLAP: You keep saying that.

CP: What?

LLAP: “back then”

LLAP: Like you’re drawing a distinction between then and now. Like things are

LLAP: Like they’re different now.

CP: Well, aren’t they?

CP: I mean we talked back then… a lot. But it was about our careers and being brothers in arms and you and me against the world... and almost never about

CP: It feels like we’re discussing more personal things, now. Like, we’ve shared enough that there’s no room for projection of assumptions. And I, at least, have my head on a lot straighter… so to speak. You always seemed to have your act together, but I was still just running as fast as I could, back then, not sure how I felt in my own skin.

CP: It feels different, now. To me at least.

 

_3:58 a.m._

LLAP: You’ve been doing your self-reflection homework…

CP: Yeah, at four in the fucking morning.

LLAP:...

LLAP: Well, you’re right. It feels different, now. More… grounded in our internal lives, not just what’s happening to us externally. Way less frenetic. We always seemed to be in motion back then. Or maybe we’re just used to it now. But I think I know what you mean: we’re more sure of certain things now — about ourselves, our careers, what we want — and so we can... idk. Be more honest with each other about them… not practice strategic avoidance.

CP: yeah

 

_4:02 a.m._

CP: The wind’s finally dying back down.

LLAP: Think you can get back to sleep?

CP: Maybe.

CP:...

CP:...

 

_4:05 a.m._

LLAP: Do you have another inappropriate question you’re trying to get out?

CP:...

CP: Not really.

CP: I’m feeling… idk. My mind is sort of muddled. I want to share it with you but I can’t really find the right words.

LLAP: Want to try the wrong ones?

CP:...

CP: I feel tired. And alone in a dark room at the end of a winding stone road in the middle of nowhere. Literally _and_ figuratively. And the storm’s been battering this old stone house enough to shake my bed and make me think we were having an earthquake. And I’m just grateful that it hasn’t taken out the cell tower and I can still get your words on my phone, but

CP: I’m tired. And I miss you. Is it weird to miss you more now when we’ve been talking so much lately? more than we have in years?

LLAP:...

CP: Jesus, I should go to sleep. I’m being ridiculously melodramatic. I have no real problems, I just

LLAP: Chris, that’s not weird.

LLAP: I miss you, too.

LLAP: And you’re allowed to be… whatever you’re feeling. Lonely, if that’s it. Tired.

CP: I’m not lonely, exactly. If that were it I could go downstairs...I’m sure there’s crew already setting up plates full of scones and Welsh cakes. God, I wonder if I can smuggle Welsh cakes to NY so you can try them.

CP: I just really wish you were in the room with me instead of on the other end of the phone.

CP: I get that feeling now and then when I see something I want to show you and sending a pic somehow doesn’t do it justice, but this is different.

CP: I’m sorry. That

CP: I probably shouldn’t have said that. My filters are nonexistent at the moment. I’ve just been thinking about you a lot.

LLAP: Don’t you dare apologize for wanting me with you. And we’re avoiding filters now, aren’t we?

LLAP:...

CP:...

LLAP: I’ve never wished Star Trek was real more than I do right now… if I could beam over to you climb into your too small, lumpy bed and comb my hand through your hair until you fell asleep, I would.

CP: Remember that time in Paris on the first press tour when I had insomnia?

LLAP: Exactly what I was thinking of.

LLAP: Look, you’re working really hard and you’re exhausted. But you’re going to be here in exactly two weeks, which is utterly surreal and fantastic.

LLAP: And I’m going to be at your place in three days.

LLAP: So how about this...

LLAP: Try to sleep. Try to remember how it felt on that press tour when you’d lay your head on my chest and I massaged your scalp. And tomorrow if you really aren’t shooting and have time, make a list of all the things you’ve seen that you want to share with me so when you get here, you won’t forget them.

LLAP: I want to hear about them all.

LLAP: But don’t write me about them. Save them for when we see each other. Which is really soon.

CP: Yeah, okay. I can do that.

CP: Zach. Thanks.

LLAP: Goodnight Chris. Dream well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks as ever to Punk and Ducky for the fabulous betaing and hand holding. The story is so much better for their help and suggestions. And thanks to all of you who have been commenting. I loved watching all the feels spill everywhere after the last chapter.

**August 10, 2018**

_3:42 p.m._

CP: So, about last night…

LLAP: What about it? And how are you feeling?

CP: Fine. A little embarrassed, to be honest, but much better than I was. Sleep is a marvelous thing.

LLAP: Chris, don’t be embarrassed.

LLAP: It was nice.

LLAP: I mean, not that you were suffering, but…

LLAP: You’ve seen me or talked me through some pretty bad nights, even recently. I guess it’s comforting to know that you have them too, and when you do, you turn to me.

CP:...

CP: you didn’t mind?

LLAP: Did I seem like I minded?

CP: No, but… light of day.

LLAP: In light of day, I’m glad we talked.

LLAP: I’m glad you _finally_ had an inappropriate question so I don’t look like some bizarre sex interrogator, because things have been pretty one-sided so far.

LLAP: I’m glad to know you were thinking of me.

LLAP:...

LLAP: In the Paris way…

LLAP:...

LLAP:...

CP:...

CP: and the Berlin way?

LLAP: Yeah, and the Berlin way.

CP:...

LLAP:...

CP: Okay. Good. That’s good.

LLAP: Also, I’m really curious about Welsh cakes.

CP: HA!

CP: Well, Welsh cakes are amazing. Some sort of heavenly cross between a scone and a pancake and a cookie.

CP: 

CP: There is always a tray of them out on the snack table, and they’re _always_ warm and fresh.

LLAP: Sounds dangerous.

CP: It would be if we weren’t outside running around most days.

CP: I’m going to smuggle some out of the country so you can try them. I’ve already worked a deal with Glenys. She’s going to bring me a tin on the last day of filming.

LLAP: and the brown things?

CP: Currants. Like, little much-more-delicious raisins.

LLAP: Well, I look forward to tasting them.

CP: You can have a few

LLAP: A few? I thought Glenys was bringing a whole tin.

CP: Well. There’s my finder’s fee.

LLAP: Your finders fee?

CP: Yeah. 70%

LLAP: Steep. I guess they’re pretty special.

LLAP: You sure you want to share 30% with me?

CP: Well, you’re special, too.

LLAP: 30% special, huh?

CP:...

CP: Maybe 50%

LLAP: I’m moving up.

 

_4:07 p.m._

LLAP: Are you filming today?

CP: Later. The rain’s stopped but everything’s wet and muddy, so action scenes are out. But there’s one sunset talking scene we need to shoot, and it should be good for that. Right now I’m working on my list of things to tell you about and reading Timequake from your list. We’ll need to talk about this one when I get there. Because I’m really hoping you aren’t trying to tell me you feel like you’re trapped and repeating mistakes of the past.

LLAP:...

LLAP: Nothing quite so overt. But I have been thinking of that book a lot again lately.

LLAP: Do you think the rain is going to delay your arrival to NY?

CP: As long as we don’t get more, it should be fine.

LLAP: Good.

LLAP: Speaking of travel, two more shows and I get on a plane to LA. That seems crazy.

CP: Crazy good or crazy bad?

LLAP: Crazy good, especially since I get to revisit Harold later. I’m meeting with three different directors in LA about potential production projects. I’m really looking forward to that.

CP: Did you get my email with the restaurants and such?

LLAP: Yeah. I haven’t really read it yet, though I should do it today so I can make reservations.

CP: I didn’t in

CP: …

CP: I didn’t put you on the guest list for the club. But I can call them, if you think you’d like that.

CP: To use it.

LLAP: No. I don’t need that.

CP: Okay.

LLAP: Chris, I didn’t use it before, and I certainly don’t want to now.

CP: You didn’t?

LLAP: No.

LLAP: I decided that finding a stranger to suck my cock was sort of the _opposite_ of self-reflection homework.

CP: Oh.

LLAP:...

LLAP: Joe’s calling. I need to go.

CP: Say hi to him.

CP: Break a leg tonight.

 

**August 12, 2018**

_9.17 p.m._

LLAP: Wednesday is not at all sure about us being here without you

CP: Aw. How is she?

LLAP: Unclear. She’s out back showing Skunk and Rocco where to shit so it’s absolutely impossible for me to find it and clean it up.

LLAP: I suspect she’s also plotting with them to launch a rescue.

CP: Of whom?

LLAP: You. I played your voice on my phone trying to show her it was okay for me to be here… one of your voicemails

LLAP: But I’m pretty sure she took it as a request for ransom and thinks I’ve got you held hostage somewhere. She keeps searching the house.

CP: Hilarious. Give her a day or two, she’ll calm down.

LLAP: I’m just going to keep her here my whole stay. She and the boys are already thick as thieves again. I’ll take her back to your folks on Monday.

CP: Whatever you like, man… Just, thanks for giving them some time off to get away.

CP: House look okay?

LLAP: So far as I can tell, everything seems to be in its place.

LLAP: I see you left instructions for the entertainment system. That’s helpful, thanks.

CP: No worries. Everything else should be easy. You remember the alarm and gate stuff?

LLAP: Yeah.

LLAP: I forgot how much I love your place. I can already feel my stress levels dissipating, even with the meetings I have planned.

CP: Good. Make yourself at home.

CP: I have a couple of really full days of shooting coming up, but if you forget how to find or use anything, send a text and I’ll get back to you when I can.

LLAP: We’ll be fine.

 

**August 13, 2018**

_2:17 a.m._

LLAP: You’ve bought a lot of new books since the last time I was here. Like, a new cabinet’s worth. I’m grabbing _The Little Friend_.

 

_4:54 a.m._

LLAP: I like the new painting in the den. It reminds me of one of mine… I’ll show you in NY.

 

_6:03 a.m._

CP: Sounds good. Read whatever you like… Bring it home with you if you don’t have time to finish. I’m making my way through your list of recommendations. Through _Jitterbug Perfume_ , which was hysterical. Last night I finished the poetry anthology. Brought back great memories. Lots of old favorites and now a few new ones.

CP: Thanks for those. Really.

 

**August 15, 2018**

_11:17 p.m._

LLAP: I have a problem.

CP: what’s that?

LLAP: So far I’ve met with two of these directors and I like both of their projects equally.

CP: can you produce them both?

LLAP: Not while I have the play. And capital might be an issue as well.

LLAP: With luck, I’ll really hate the project I’m hearing about tomorrow…

CP: Here’s hoping...

 

**August 16, 2018**

_2:37 a.m._

LLAP: I hope things are going well with your crazy filming schedule.

LLAP: I’m feeling very… content, I guess… just reading scripts and being surrounded by your things.

LLAP: I love the sound of the crickets in your yard at night.

LLAP: Also.

LLAP: I have eaten the oranges that were on the tree, and which you were probably saving for when you got home.

 

_5:15 a.m._

CP: were they delicious?

 

_5:17 a.m._

LLAP: yes

CP: so sweet?

LLAP: yes

CP: so cold?

LLAP: well, pretty lukewarm, actually… it was sunny out

CP:...

CP: you’re a dork

CP: and I forgive you.

LLAP: I really am. And good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who may not know (or remember), the early fandom was a bit obsessed with the word-wars part of Pinto interactions (mostly in interviews... hence the catchphrase "wordplay as foreplay"), and at some point, I believe, Chris actually mentioned in an interview that his favorite poem was "This Is Just To Say", which of course the fandom ran with. It's used twice in the compilation of the Poetry Fics (https://ato-the-bean.tumblr.com/post/174009338775/wordplay-as-foreplay-the-poetry-fics-the-edited), once as the title of the fic (ALL of those are completely worth the read, btw, saving mine). So I couldn't help but reprise it, in the aftermath of these boys reading each other's book recommendations. Here's the original for your reference (https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/just-say).
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... they aren't in the same country yet, but they're getting impatient, too. Thanks to Punk and Ducky, as ever, and Zachary for the photo submission for this chapter. And all you Beans for the lovely comments. We're getting close to the end... hopefully I've remembered all the Pinto/wordplay nods I wanted to include...

**August 18, 2018**

_8:21 a.m._

CP: Hey

LLAP: Hey yourself. Are you filming today?

CP: No, thank god. I’ve had a really long week, but we finished my filming at this location last night. Today they’re doing scenes with Sarah, Tom, and Elizabeth. I’m sleeping in.

LLAP: Nice.

LLAP: So it’s the beginning of your day and the end of mine.

LLAP: I just finished enjoying a lovely swim in your very private pool and am now drying off on a lounge chair.

LLAP: There’s no moon, so I can actually see a few stars. It’s still 75 degrees, and it feels all _Secret Garden_ back here.

CP:...

CP: Like, night swimming?

LLAP: It deserves a quiet night.

CP: So, when you say “drying”, you mean lying wet and nude on one of my chaise lounges under the stars?

LLAP: Uh, yeah… is that a problem?

CP: no

CP: No, just… I wish I were there.

LLAP:...

LLAP:...

LLAP: Chris

CP: sorry

LLAP: Don’t be. I want that, too.

LLAP:...

LLAP: Tell me.

CP:...

CP: Tell you?

LLAP: Yeah.

LLAP: What would you do if you were here with me on the patio after swimming? Sitting on the lounge next to me

CP: Oh god…

CP: I just

CP: I wouldn’t be able to stop looking at you

CP: I wouldn’t lie down on my lounge and look at the stars, I’d sit on the side facing you and just

CP: I remember exactly how beautiful you are, and… I can picture you there so perfectly

LLAP:...

LLAP: good

LLAP: and...

CP:...

CP: and if you didn’t seem to mind me looking, I’d... want to touch you.

LLAP: How?

CP:...

CP:...

CP: God, Zach. Do you remember how it was, in Berlin?

CP: How desperate we were for each other whenever we got behind closed doors? How we could barely get the door closed before we were on each other? Because it always felt like there might not be another time?

LLAP: I remember

CP: It wouldn’t be anything like that.

LLAP:...

LLAP:...

LLAP: How would it be?

CP: It’d be quiet. Just… just a fingertip brushing the back of your wrist to start with. Then up your arm, feeling the texture of your skin change. Feeling it prickle under the cool air.

LLAP: and your touch

CP: Yeah. Then your shoulder, your collarbone. I’d be watching your reactions. Your breathing…

LLAP:...

CP: Then across your chest, tracing the contours of your muscles

LLAP:...

CP: down that center-line of fine hair

CP: and then over to your hip bone

LLAP: tease

CP: a bit

CP: but I’d put my whole palm on your hip now

LLAP: Fuck, Chris...do you have any idea what you’re doing to me?

CP: god, I hope so

CP: Are you touching yourself? Where I say I am?

LLAP: yes

CP: good

LLAP:...

LLAP: Chris, I’m getting hard.

CP: good

LLAP: would you be naked in this scenario as well?

CP: of course. We just got done swimming.

LLAP:...

LLAP: and would you be hard?

CP: Zach. I _am_ hard.

CP: Just thinking about you, half a world away. For weeks now, if I’m completely honest.

LLAP: Chris… please

CP: yeah, okay… if I were there, I’d keep one hand on your hip and brush the other one up your thigh, curling my fingers around the muscles just a little, urging you to spread your legs, make room for me between them…

CP: are you doing it? are your feet on the ground, your legs spread so I can scoot in close? Can you feel the cool air touching you... everywhere?

LLAP: yeah

CP: My fingertips are next. Tracing both knees, both inner thighs, meeting in the middle, brushing lightly over your balls, skimming over your cock

LLAP: Fuck, Chris.

CP: I like you calling me Chris when we’re like this. So much better than “Pine”

CP: Though Christopher always had an interesting effect on me

LLAP: I remember

LLAP:...

CP:...

CP: I wonder if your cock would twitch in my hands

LLAP: definitely

CP: I wonder if you’d flinch away if I brushed my fingers across your opening.

LLAP:...

LLAP: no, I wouldn’t. at all.

CP:...

CP: God, Zach. I can see you so clearly, splayed out in front of me, under me

LLAP: under?

CP: yeah, as I lean forward and press my cock against yours

CP: take us both in hand

LLAP: Chris

CP: stroke us slowly

LLAP:...

CP: Do it slowly Zach. Don’t get out in front of me. We want to savor this

LLAP:...

 

_8:32 a.m._

CP:...

LLAP: You cls

LLAP: close?

CP: Yeah.

LLAP: I need to cmr

CP:...

CP: Do it. Come for me

LLAP:...

CP:...

 

_8:37 a.m._

LLAP: So

LLAP: That happened.

CP: Yes. Yes it did.

LLAP:...

LLAP: That

LLAP: s not our usual MO these days

CP: true

LLAP: so, we prb need to tlak abot what it means

CP: definitely

LLAP:...

CP: but not right now

LLAP:...

CP: you’re probably getting cold now

CP: and drowsy

LLAP: yeah, but I don’t want

LLAP: awkwardly

LLAP: awls

LLAP: fcing autocorrect

LLAP: AWKWARDNESS

CP: If I were there right now, I’d pull you up by the hands, lead you all clumsy and sleepy to the master bathroom, rinse you off in a nice warm shower, and then pull you into my bed with me.

LLAP: really?

CP: Yeah. Go to sleep Zach. We’ll talk when you’re rested and coherent.

LLAP: okay

 

_4:45 p.m._

LLAP: 

CP: Oh fuck, you really slept in my bed.

LLAP: isn’t that… was I not supposed to? isn’t that what you wanted?

CP: Yes, absolutely.

CP: I just wasn’t sure if you’d decide it was too much

LLAP: No it’s nice.

LLAP: It was nice coming in here after… what we did

LLAP: It’s really the only room in the house I hadn’t felt comfortable poking around in before

LLAP: But once I was invited …

CP:...

LLAP: _Is_ it too much?

CP: Not for me

LLAP:...

LLAP:...

LLAP: So, should I call for this conversation?

CP: I’m in a pub. I can text now, but if you want to talk, I’ll need about 40 minutes to finish up and get back to my room.

CP: but I’m hoping it’s not a hard conversation

LLAP:...

LLAP: let’s have it now... I’m just trying to decide if I should get up and make coffee or stay in your very comfortable bed.

CP:...

CP: I admit a preference for you in my bed

LLAP:...

LLAP: okay, I’ll stay

LLAP: so, we had sex last night… sort of

CP: We did

LLAP: I thought you said you didn’t want to do that.

CP:...

CP: When you were at Villa Sophia?

LLAP: yeah

CP: I said I couldn’t have _casual_ sex with you.

LLAP: right

CP: So last night wasn’t casual. Not for me.

LLAP:...

LLAP: okay…

CP: Don’t panic.

LLAP:...

CP: I’m not saying that any promises were implied

LLAP: I’m not panicking

CP: or that I’m not aware of the numerous obstacles that a relationship between us would entail

not the least of which is our being on different coasts

CP: and having different sexualities

CP: and different romantic histories

CP: or that I’m even sure I’m not projecting again

CP: sorry, double negative

LLAP:...

CP: I’ve just felt really close to you lately, between our talks and reading your book list and all these questions you keep asking me... And the thought of you naked in my home…

LLAP:...

CP: It just feels like there’s potential there. And maybe the timing is finally right. Despite the two coasts.

LLAP: You’re not projecting. Or at least you’re not alone in projecting

LLAP: being here in your house, it almost feels like we _are_ dating.

LLAP: But for all that, we’ve actually only seen each other three times in the last five months. And one of those times you bolted.

CP: I know. I’m sorry

LLAP: Don’t be sorry. You had good reason

LLAP: I was a mess that night.

LLAP: And last night… last night didn’t feel anything like that...

LLAP: The only thing in my head was you.

LLAP: I just don’t want to undo all the progress we’ve made.

CP: So, you aren’t feeling it… this potential?

LLAP: I didn’t say that.

LLAP: at all.

LLAP: I feel it, and last night was fucking hot

LLAP: You’ve never taken the lead like that before

LLAP: with me, anyway.

CP: You liked it?

LLAP: Chris. You have a record on your phone that I did.

CP: Yeah, I’ve reread it a dozen times today.

CP:...

LLAP:...

LLAP: Jesus, that’s hot, too.

CP: Okay… and I know we’ve been talking more lately, but just to confirm, are you dating anyone right now? Even casually?

LLAP: No. Just… whatever we’re doing.

CP: Okay, me too.

LLAP:...

CP:...

CP: And is my sexuality a non-starter for you? Because if it is… if you don’t think you’ll be able to trust me to be faithful or completely into you, we shouldn’t pursue this. What happened with Adam… if that had been YOU I would have been devastated.

LLAP:...

LLAP: I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately, and I’ve decided Adam was an idiot. _Is_ an idiot. And I was too, if my attitude meant I was cutting out people like you.

LLAP: I trust you, Chris. And you obviously know who you are and who you want, and aren’t ashamed of it. So if you decide who you want is me, I’m damned lucky.

LLAP: Any insecurity I have isn’t based on that. It’s just the fact we haven’t _really_ spent any time together.

CP: Yeah.

CP: So... let’s just see. I’m going to be there Thursday.

LLAP:...

CP: And we’ll see when we’ve had some time in the same room if it still feels like two best friends hanging out, or something else. Something we can build on. And we’ll sort out what it means then. There’s really no point in trying to decide until we know whether this chemistry is still there in person.

LLAP:...

LLAP: And you’re staying a week and a half, right?

CP: at least

CP: I have a flight right now for the 3rd.

CP: But I don’t really have to be anywhere until the middle of October. A few meetings here or there, but I’m not filming again until then.

LLAP: So, you’d be able to stay longer?

CP: Absolutely. If you wanted that.

LLAP: Okay. That’s good. That’ll be good.

LLAP: When do you head to London?

CP: I have a half day of shooting tomorrow, and then I head out on Monday.

CP: I’ll have Tuesday and Wednesday in the city, and then fly to you on Thursday morning.

CP: I’ll send you my itinerary so you can track the flight for delays.

LLAP: Okay. I have meetings scheduled the next two days. People have realized I’m in town and I’ve gotten busier…

CP: Well, that’s not a bad problem to have.

LLAP: Better than the opposite. It’s good to know people out here still want to work with me.

LLAP: I should go start my day, as nice as it would be to just lounge in bed and text you all day.

CP:...

CP:...

CP: Plenty of time to lounge around talking when I get to NY. Have a good couple of days.

LLAP: You too, Chris. I can’t believe we’ll be able to talk without devices in just a few days. I can’t wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we got here! And I've finished drafting chapter 19, though it's pretty rough and the glorious betas Punk and Ducky have not yet seen it. And I've messed with this chapter since they looked at it, so any mistakes are my own. But I can now say with confidence that the 20-chapter estimate is real, because 20 is the epilogue, and it definitely won't get long enough to split. So yay! I'll definitely finish my Pinto de Mayo story sometime in June... for those of you who read Bleary as a WIP, you know it could have been worse. Thanks to those of you sending comments... they really are so motivating.

**August 23rd, 2018**

_3:45 p.m._

CP: Cabbie says I’m about 15 minutes away.

LLAP: Oh wow, you made up some time.

CP: Yeah, customs went faster than I expected.

LLAP: Do you need me to meet you on the street? How many bags do you have? You’ve been gone a long time.

CP: I sent some of it on to California. I’ll be fine. Does the doorman know to let me up?

LLAP: Yeah. I’ll see you soon, then.

CP: Yup. See you soon.

Chris closes the text app, idly watching the buildings of Manhattan pass outside his cab window. Catching a glimpse of his reflection, he forces himself to stop chewing his lip. There’s no need to be nervous. However this plays out, his relationship with Zach is better for all their talking and opening up.  He wouldn’t trade any of it for the safety of denial and light banter they’d maintained for years. And they still have the banter, it just all feels loaded again.

He pulls the phone back out and scrolls to The Picture.

Yup. Still the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. Actually, it’s pretty much the view he would have had if _he’d_ been in his bed with Zach, and that just makes it all the more intimate. He won’t be greeted at the door by _this_ Zach. Just as well. _This_ Zach shouldn’t be opening doors _._ He isn’t sure if he’s going to be met by breezy-fun-Zach, harried-working-Zach, or the earnest version he’s been texting and talking to on the phone. He isn’t sure if they’ll discuss the elephant in the room right away, or ease into each other’s presence first. Zach’s performance is in a few hours, and that has to take precedence.

But he hopes. It feels dangerous — absolutely thrilling. He’s almost buzzing with an excitement that seems to match the bustling city he’s gliding through. It’s not unlike the butterflies he used to feel around Zach in the beginning, but he now knows exactly what he wants to do with the feeling. He takes a steadying breath as the park comes into view, and the next thing he knows he’s dealing with cash and suitcases and shopping bags and double-checking the apartment number in his Moleskine. And then the door opens and Zach is there, wearing an apron that says **I ♥ YN,** grinning like a madman, and pulling Chris into a hug that’s neither a casual bro hug nor anything particularly romantic. But it’s full body and lasts a good long time, and it makes some of the tension loosen in Chris’ chest.

“I can’t believe you’re really here,” Zach says as he releases him and pulls back, pointing to the shopping bags. “What’s this? And what the hell are you wearing?”

Chris looks down at his blue harem pants and flip-flops and shrugs. Zach knows his position on coziness and airplanes. He holds out a bag.

“Housewarming gift. And what the hell are _you_ wearing? ‘I love Yew Nork’?’”

Zach just rolls his eyes and smirks. “You bought me a plant? When did you have time for that?”

“I have my ways,” Chris offers, looking Zach over with what he’s sure is a huge grin. _God_ , he looks fucking fantastic. Relaxed and barefoot and right _there_. It’s almost unbelievable.

“I was expecting Welsh cakes.”

Chris snorts. “Well, those are in checked luggage, otherwise they’d be gone by the time the plane landed.”

“Good thinking. Come in, come in!” he says, backing up so Chris can close the door behind him. “I decided to cook for us since I need to eat before stage call and I wasn’t sure how long your delay would be.”

“That’s perfect.”

“And actually, everyone wants to go out tonight after the show… they specifically want to take you out to celebrate your first night in New York as an out, bisexual man. I warned them you might be too tired…” Zach leads him into the apartment, talking with an exuberance that could be excitement or nerves. Chris can’t quite tell whether Zach wants to go out and is afraid that he won’t want to, or would rather not but feels obliged to offer. Their progress is delayed momentarily as he crouches to greet the dogs, then he’s up and following Zach with them tagging along behind him. “So, uh, you probably remember the layout, but here’s the living and dining room, kitchen’s through there – we can put your bags in the second bedroom for now.”

“That view is still amazing,” Chris says to cover any disappointment he might feel at the mention of the spare room… because he really shouldn’t. This is exactly what he suggested: wait and see.  He's just already liking what he's seeing.

“Yeah,” Zach laughs as he leads the way to the second door off the hall. “I keep waiting to get bored with it, but it keeps not happening. I feel like…” He shakes his head. “There are a lot of things I don’t know about the future… whether I’ll even stay in the city. But if I do, I need to find a place to buy that’s close enough to have this same view. I love it.”

“You wouldn’t just stay here?” Chris asks, setting the suitcase and carry-on on the bed and kicking his flip flops off under the bed.

“Well, the landlady’s made it clear she’s not selling, and there are a bunch of little quirks about this apartment... things that are sort of charming since I’m renting, but could be annoying if I owned the place. There’s no private outdoor space, the walls are a little thin — or at least thinly insulated — and the heat is _atrocious_ , which hasn’t been much of an issue so far but come winter is going to be annoying and expensive. If I owned it I could buy new windows and ductwork, but…” he shrugs and motions for Chris to follow him into the kitchen.

The apartment looks completely different with Zach’s stuff in it. And while the flat itself might have old world charm, it’s still somehow completely compatible with the modern-bohemian-art-snob vibe of Zach’s belongings. They may work in this space even better than they had in the loft. It looks more like home and less like a gallery, even if some of the art is out of scale for the rooms. Though, it’s definitely not all here… He looks around for specific pieces he likes and doesn’t find them. He wonders if Miles took more than he thought or if maybe Zach sold some. The apartment doesn’t look bare, but it’s not bursting.  It's good, though.  Somehow, it looks so… so _Zach_ that it’s hard to imagine him anywhere else, despite the fact that Chris has been in every place he’s owned in the last decade.

“Where’s the rest of your stuff?” he asks.

“In storage. I didn’t want to sell too much until I knew whether I was staying and getting a bigger place. And some of it I was tempted to sell as a kneejerk to the breakup, but I actually _like_ it and didn’t want to make permanent decisions when I was hurting. So I boxed up a bunch of it and hid it away for a while and just brought my favorite things here. I’ll have to deal with it whenever I decide to move.  Or sooner, maybe.  I already feel emotionally recovered enough to go through it again, I just haven't had the time. That’s the painting, by the way,” he adds, pointing at the far wall. “The one that reminds me of the one in your den.”

He’s right. The colors and style are similar. They’d look good together, actually. Chris smiles and nods. “I like it.”

Zach offers him a little smile and turns toward the kitchen. There’s an open bottle of Cabernet and two glasses on the island counter, and as Zach lingers by them for a moment Chris finally gets the pun on his apron.

“Hey, I love wine too!”

Zach snorts a laugh. “Good. I get one glass before the play. You pour, and I’ll finish up over here,” he answers, moving beyond the island to stir a pan of sauce simmering on the stove, turning up the flame under a large pot of water and adding fresh penne. Pasta and wine, it would seem. Perfect.

“When do you need to be at the theater? Six, right?” He takes a seat at the counter and pours some wine into each glass.

Zach nods. “It makes for an early dinner, unfortunately. I hope you don’t mind.”

“When have you known me to be unable to eat? It smells fantastic. Wait, are you making puttanesca?”

“Yeah,” Zach answers almost nervously. “Nonna’s recipe.”

“I love that!”

“I remember.”

There’s a frisson as their eyes meet, and everything said via text over the last weeks — and everything _unsaid_ — is stretched out between them. And they absolutely do _not_ have time to discuss anything before Zach has to have his head clear to perform, much less do anything about it. But in that moment, Chris thinks they might be on the same page… Zach might be hoping for the same things Chris is.

Zach looks back to the stove, but he’s smiling and there’s just a hint of a blush in his cheeks. Chris is torn between wanting to kiss him _right the fuck now_ and falling back to the more familiar comfort of their usual banter.

“Can I help with anything?” he asks, grabbing the wine glasses and moving closer.

“Um, not really. Salad’s already made,” Zach nods at the bowl on the counter, “and I’ve got the plates ready to go.”

He stands next to Zach, closer than he might normally, and offers the glass of wine. “I have bread too,” Zach adds, swallowing thickly and accepting the glass. “If you want to go all out on the carbs.”

Chris huffs a laugh. “Better save it for the Welsh cakes. God, that smells good.” He doesn’t even know if he means the sauce or Zach or the wine. All of it, really. And this is why talking is easier when they’re at opposite ends of the world: because Zach’s presence seems to overload his senses just a bit and short-circuit his brain.

“I was going to save this for a toast,” Zach says, raising the glass a little. “Though I suppose there’s no reason we can’t toast here before sitting down to eat.”

“We can do both,” Chris offers. “A casual pre-meal toast and a more formal _bon appetit_. What shall we toast to?”

Zach’s eyes are on Chris’ lips momentarily, but quickly meet raise to his eyes. “Well, I’ve given that some thought, actually. How about this?  To not falling into old patterns of behavior, and maybe creating some new ones.”

Chris nods and raises his glass. “And to being in the same place at the same time and talking without a phone between us.”

Zach smiles almost shyly and turns back to the simmering pot as they each take a sip.

“So, about tonight.” Chris starts.

“We really don’t have to if you’re tired… or just don’t want people or—”

“It sounds fun.”

Zach looks up. “Really?”

“Yeah. You and the cast do this all the time, and I’d love to see it and be part of it. And I’ve spent the last few days trying to shift my sleep schedule so I wouldn’t waste time adjusting here. I should be able to keep up and not fall asleep at the table. Show me your town, Zach.”

“It’s not really my town,” Zach counters. “I might not even stay.” He tests the pasta and must decide it needs another minute. “It has become a tradition though, and I’d like you to see it… what it’s like when we’re all together laughing and talking about the performance and... just the energy. It’s fun.”

“Then I want to see it. And it _is_ your town… even if you don’t stay. In fact, if you don’t stay it means I have to take advantage of seeing it through your eyes _now_. Because even if you come back for a role, it won’t be the same. Besides, I have to get my queer membership card or whatever from Matt.”

Zach flashes him a smile. “They really are excited to see you… I should show you the text exchange I had with him the night you came out. He was literally checking in every five minutes wondering if you were okay. If I hadn’t been worried myself, I would have been laughing my ass off.”

“I was fine,” Chris assures.

“I know.” The pride seems to shine through Zach’s words and expression. “Like I said, you made it look fucking effortless. Okay, this is ready.”

Chris gives Zach room to drain the pasta and dish it up, taking their glasses back to the bar and topping them off. When Zach brings over two plates of penne puttanesca, complete with fresh grated cheese and side salads, Chris raises his glass again. Zach quickly sits and mimics his pose.

“What should we toast to this time?” Zach asks.

“Amazing food. Amazing company. And an amazing show.”

Zach smiles. “And to you finally experiencing New York as an out, bisexual man. You are in for a treat! Now dig in. Nonna’s ghost expects you to clear your plate.”

Cleaning his plate isn’t going to be a problem. It’s fucking delicious, and not just because he’s been eating bland English food for weeks. Zach looks pleased with his enthusiasm, and they fall into easy talk about Chris’ filming and the projects Zach is considering next. It’s the sort of conversation they could have had at any point in the last decade. But Chris catches Zach watching his lips when he sips his wine, and he catches himself wanting to reach out his hand and touch Zach… anywhere really. They’re sharing an energy that’s reminiscent of their flirty ways in the beginning, but different. There’s almost a palpable weight to Zach’s gaze. It doesn’t make him feel lightheaded and bubbly and effervescent, like Zach’s looks in Berlin used to. Chris feels it deep. Just below his navel.

“Oh god, what time is it?” Zach asks, giving a startled look to his clean plate and empty glass.

“Uh, 5:05. Why don’t you go get ready and I’ll wash this up.”

“You sure? I lost track of time.”

“Yup. And I’ll get changed and walk with you.”

It doesn’t take long to clear up dinner and recork the wine. Zach’s still in his bedroom when Chris goes to the guest bathroom to wash the airplane grime from his face and torso. He decides against shaving, and after he realizes the shirt he’d wanted to wear tonight is hopelessly wrinkled, pairs the slacks and jacket with the thin sweater Zach had teased him about. And really, until he’d seen the photo Zach texted, he hadn’t realized just how transparent it had become with years of wear. But it wouldn’t be noticeable in the low light of the theater with a blazer over it, and if they were going to a gay bar afterward… well, it might be just the thing.

He catches Zach eyeing his chest as he comes out of his room donning his jacket. “Ready to go?” Chris asks, barely catching the smirk and muttered “menace” as Zach nods and turns toward the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not embedding the photo because it's not part of a text in the story, but for those of you who may have missed it on Tumblr, here's the picspiration for Chris' plane outfit this time... he really has been providing me with so much fodder...
> 
> https://ato-the-bean.tumblr.com/post/174469938960/trekbedtimestories-oh-goddamn-it-pie-oh-god.
> 
> We should set up a poll to rank all his plane outfits (blue harem pants, brown overalls, see-thru sweater). I could make charts and graphs of the results...
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as ever to Punk and Ducky for their insight, help, and cheering. And to all of you commenting... I could hear the anticipation song as I responded to the last set.

It really is a pleasant walk through the park, Zach pointing out his favorite spots and waving to neighbors. “Mrs. Cohen is always there with her dogs this time of day, so she always sees me heading out,” he explains as he returns her wave. “I don’t think she knows anything about me other than I have two dogs and live in the building next to hers.”

Zach’s always said that NYC is different from Los Angeles because even if people recognize you, they’re too snobby to be much impressed. Chris has never been sure whether this is meant to be a dig at New York or LA, but he understands the freedom it affords them. They walk through the park and into the theater district completely undisturbed. Zach talks the whole time, hands waving as he shares bits of information about the neighborhood. He seems to draw the city’s unique energy straight through the pavement, and he has Chris grinning to the point that his cheeks hurt by the time they get to the theater, where he knocks a patterned rap on the stage door and is let in without hesitation.

“You want to wait back here?” he asks Chris, introducing him to Deirdre, the assistant stage manager.

“Nah, you need to get into character, and I don’t want to distract you. I’ll come back after the show, though, if that’s alright.”

Deirdre gives him instructions of where to wait after curtain call so she can bring him backstage, and he gives Zach a quick hug before disappearing into the alley to wander the theater district for a while. He’s in search of coffee, just in case his sleep schedule hasn’t transitioned as much as he hopes. The streets are relatively calm. An hour ago, offices were closing and commuters were flooding the streets in a rush to get home. Two hours from now it will be getting dark, and the marquee lights will make everything look exciting and vibrant, bordering on garish. But now, the light is soft and the sidewalk is uncrowded; Chris walks through the in-between time, where the city shifts from one type of energy to another.

Zach would probably call it _liminal_ , and it would be fitting, but Chris is thinking visually right now. His hands itch for his camera as he watches the transition unfold. Watches actors slip into alleys where stage doors are hiding. Watches theater doors slip open to allow someone to come out and sweep the entrance and straighten the posters. Watches sunlight fade and marquee lights brighten and box offices open. He witnesses the rhythm, and he understands it. He hasn’t _lived_ it like Zach has, but he gets it. Gets the appeal. He’s almost jealous that Zach has lived this rhythm for months now... and wonders how much he’ll miss it.

He claims his ticket and takes his seat, smack in the center of the third row. It feels like a place of honor.

The play is still as intense and funny and heart-wrenching as it was the last few times he saw it. He knows the rhythm of this, too: when Zach is the center of the action, when he’s in an upstage corner lying low. This time, he doesn’t follow the action; he follows Zach. And he’s surprised to find that in those quiet moments when Zach is in the background, his eyes gravitate to Chris. Three separate times, their eyes meet. Chris feels a strange combination of pride and desire, and Zach… he seems almost aware of it.

There’s a standing ovation, of course. Chris waits as the house empties, and when he’s the last one standing by the orchestra pit, Deirdre comes to usher him backstage, where he waits for Zach and the others to come out of their dressing rooms after quick showers and changes of clothes. He’s soon bombarded by the boisterous cast, carried through a wave of hugs and smiles through the stage door to the alley, where fans wait behind a velvet rope to get their programs signed and pictures taken. Chris leans against the brick wall and watches with a grin on his face as Zach interacts with his fans: signing things, answering questions, taking selfies. Actually, it’s a bit of a lovefest. Every member of the cast is out there laughing and talking with fans. A lot of young men, which makes sense, but also larger groups, couples, families even. It’s an important play. Important for the times and to these actors and he’s just happy to be on the periphery of it. But it strikes him how very much Zach _belongs_ here. To this place, this time. And maybe he belongs in LA, too, but that doesn’t diminish the fact that he is part of something important here. Chris can’t imagine him giving it up.

His name breaks through these thoughts, and Chris looks up to see Zach waving him over.

“They recognized you and want your autograph, too,” he says, handing Chris the pen with a smile.

“I’m not even in this play,” Chris protests.

“Yeah, but how many times have you seen it?”

Chris snorts. “Better to ask how many times I’m _going_ to see it this week.” He takes the program and writes “Zach’s biggest fan” and hands it back to Zach, who bursts into giggles before handing it back to the girl. “I can do a picture, though, if you want,” he suggests, and he threads his arm around Zach’s waist in their usual red carpet pose.

Zach is momentarily startled by the touch, but quickly drapes an arm across Chris’ shoulders and pulls him in with a smile. The fan fumbles to get her phone up, and then the entire cast sees what’s happening and photobombs them, at which point basically any fans remaining are backing up far enough to get this impromptu picture of the entire cast with Chris and Zach arm in arm in the middle, like some crazy Vegas-meets-musical-theater wedding photo.

“I give it ten minutes before that’s on the internet and everyone knows you’re here,” Zach says with a grin.

“It’s already on the internet,” Matt argues as Chris replies that he wasn’t hiding, “and if we want any peace we should go now. Plus, we have a reservation. Come on, Gay Mafia, this way!” He clears a path through the fans while they’re distractedly looking at the pictures on their phones.

“I can’t believe you told them that,” Chris laughs as Zach pulls at his sleeve to follow.

“Well, it was about them, and they wanted to know how you were. It’s gotten a life of its own, though. Now whenever we refer to the entire cast, we use Gay Mafia. But it also includes you.”

“How does that work?”

“You’ll see when you’re initiated tonight,” says Jim. “ _‘Please sir, may I have another?'"  
_

“Be nice,” Zach admonishes. “He’s teasing. There’s hardly any hazing at all.”

“You’re all assholes,” Chris complains amidst the snickers. “Why did I want to be in this club, again?”

“Don’t mind them,” Matt says, opening a door and motioning them in. “They’re having fun, but we’re all incredibly happy to be _out_ with you tonight.”

Chris groans at the pun, but enters the bar. He’s not sure what he was expecting, but it wasn’t this. There’s no pumping bass or flashing lights. It’s just an upscale, modern bar, electronic lounge music barely audible over the din of conversation. There’s a long table in the back with “Reserved” signs peppered across it, and based on how everyone bee-lines for it, it’s their usual spot. It’s warm, too, and Chris takes the opportunity to remove his jacket as Zach pauses at the bar to alert the staff they’ve arrived and want to start a tab.

“I know everyone’s standing order but yours,” the barkeep says, looking Chris up and down appreciatively.

Zach stiffens beside him, and Chris puts a hand on the small of his back as he leans in to ask if they have Balvenie Double Barrel. The barkeep goes to check, and Zach gives him a look. “Fucking menace,” Zach mutters under his breath, eyeing Chris’ chest through the sweater. But there’s as much heat in his eyes as teasing in his voice, and Chris counts it as a win. When the answer comes back that yes, they have it in stock, Chris orders a double on the rocks and leads Zach toward the table, keeping his hand exactly where it is.

They slide into the bench seat. Zach goes first, draping his arm across the back of the seat as Chris slides in next to him, close enough to bump knees. When the drinks come, Matt clears his throat and raises his glass.

“To Chris joining the Gay Mafia… or to be more inclusive, the Queer Mafia. Out and proud in New York City. Here’s a little something from the Boys in the Band to commemorate this momentous occasion.”

They all toast and take a sip, and Chris accepts the gift bag, pulling out a black tee-shirt with all their faces — the classic poster from the show. On the back, in silver pen, they’ve all signed it, offering words of congratulations and a date. Chris is confused until Zach leans in and whispers, “The year they came out.”

At the top, just below the collar, he sees his own name in Zach’s handwriting, 2018 written underneath. And dammit if his vision doesn’t blur a bit.

“Thanks, you guys... this is. This is actually... sort of amazing. I mean, it’s not a big deal, but—”

“Just because you did it all low-key and made it look effortless as fuck, doesn’t mean it’s not a big deal,” Zach interrupts.

“And just because your family is supportive doesn’t mean you don’t need a tribe — a band of brothers, so to speak. You can have more than one family,” Matt adds, and they all nod in agreement.

He knows this is true. He’s often referred to the Trek cast as his space family — even to his mom. And now it seems he’s been adopted by another. He’s genuinely touched, and raises his glass to thank them all again, earnestly. And then the evening gets fun. They’ve heard enough about Wales to ask questions, and start trading stories about plays and movies and coming out… it’s practically raucous. It feels a lot like hanging out with Patrick and that gang, except the jokes are raunchy in a _completely_ different way and there’s this freedom that comes from knowing _everyone_ is out and no one is judging. And it feels… _nice_. Like, his breath comes into his chest a little easier. And then someone joins their party and Jim just stands and kisses him. And it’s beautiful.

Chris finds himself relaxing in a way he hasn’t really since coming out, sometimes giggling at stories so hard he’s physically shaking and pressing his fingers to his forehead trying to get a grip on himself. He’s somehow moved in the seat so that his thigh is now pressed right up against Zach’s, and he feels _no_ need to shift away. Zach doesn’t seem to be trying to move either, though he’s gone rather quiet. Chris feels his gaze and leans over to softly ask, “What?”

Zach shakes his head and bites his lip, smiling a little as he scans Chris’ face. “You’re doing that thing,” he whispers back after a second.

“What thing?”

“Where your eyes go all crinkly and you half cover your face with your hand when you laugh. No, don’t get self-conscious,” he adds, grabbing playfully at Chris’ fingers as he moves his hand. “I love that thing. It means you’re happy.”

Chris can feel heat in his face. He’s spent so much time just texting Zach lately that he’s forgotten how well Zach can read him physically… his tells, the language his body speaks that he himself is only vaguely aware of. He’s also forgotten just how his own body responds to Zach _physically_. It’s like some positive feedback loop. He feels practically drunk with the sensation of Zach’s eyes on him… way more than a scotch sipped over an hour can account for. When another round of drinks arrives, he uses the opportunity to shift in his seat, drop his hand under the table and rest it on Zach’s thigh. Immediately, Zach’s hand drops to his shoulder, as if he’s been waiting for a sign from Chris all along. He takes a sip of his drink to hide his smile, noticing Matt watching them from across the table, trying to hide a smile of his own.

Chris doesn’t even mind. Let them all know exactly what’s going to happen tonight. God, what he _hopes_ is going to happen tonight. Because now that Zach’s thumb is rubbing circles into his shoulder, he’s half-hard and ready to not be with people anymore, as awesome as these guys are. But there’s something invigorating about _this_ , too. Being in public, knowing that at any moment someone could snap a photo of he and Zach that would be obviously too close to just be friendly, and not only does he not _mind_ , he actually sort of _wishes_ it would happen. Surrounded by these men in this place in this town, he feels empowered. Emboldened. He squeezes Zach’s thigh and gets an answering squeeze on his shoulder, and wishes he could do this every night.

As they finish their second round, the energy amongst the cast mellows from the post-show euphoria. The stories keep flowing, but at a slower pace, and everyone’s seeming more peaceful. Everyone except Chris. He’s only half listening because he’s so focused on the warmth seeping from Zach’s leg to his own, the way Zach’s knee presses against his when he laughs, the way he can actually feel Zach’s thumb on his shoulder through the noticeably loose knit of his sweater. As the cast starts to fade, the energy between him and Zach just crackles — he’s surprised there aren’t visible sparks. Chris isn’t sad when Jim gets up to call it a night, starting a quick cascade of goodbyes that has Zach and Chris walking out the door within ten minutes, the cool night air contrasting deliciously with the heat in Zach’s eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next two chapters are drafted and awaiting beta review, but I'm on the road this week, so we'll see when I have wifi access and time... if there's a delay posting, that's what's going on. Oh, and I think we all know "that thing" Zach was describing when Chris laughs so hard he shakes and covers half his face and his eyes crinkle up, but there are plenty of gifsets in my Tumblr archive if you need a visual reference. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY!
> 
> (yes, for me too)
> 
> Thanks as ever to Punk and Ducky, beta extraordinaires! And to all of you sending me comments.
> 
> We're nearly there...

As close as the apartment had seemed when they walked to the theater that afternoon, it now feels interminably far away. Chris has his hands in his pockets, both for the slight chill in the air and for fear of what they would do left to their own devices. He and Zach are walking quickly enough, closely enough, that they’re brushing shoulders and arms almost every step. It feels just like Berlin — that secret energy driving them toward closed doors and privacy.

But that’s wrong. That’s not what he wants now. Not how he wants to start something _real_ with Zach. So he takes a deep breath, removes his hand from his pocket and reaches for Zach’s, threading their fingers together. The startled, shy smile Zach gives him is absolutely perfect.

Chris makes small talk, because actually talking about what’s happening — or what he hopes is about to happen — feels too big. They discuss the guys and the play, Chris telling Zach that he’s had more fun tonight than he’s had in a very long time. That his friends are great. That the life he’s made for himself here is amazing. But the whole time Chris is barely able to think around his awareness of the warmth of Zach’s palm, or how he squeezes Chris’ hand or how… how _right_ it feels. When they get to the park, the sidewalk clears and it’s just the two of them under the stars and amongst the trees. They cross an arched footbridge over a creek and at the very top, Chris can’t wait any longer. He stops and tugs at Zach’s hand so he turns with a raised eyebrow, Chris steps forward so he’s right there, inches away. They’re breathing each other’s air.

“Hi,” Zach whispers, eyes searching Chris’ face in the darkness.

“Hi.”

The moment stretches like a held breath, and then as easy as an exhalation, Zach’s lips are warm against his, hands cupping his face, and it’s _bliss_. His entire body lights up — because _finally_ — and he groans into Zach’s mouth.

“Jesus,” Zach whispers, resting his forehead against Chris’ and catching his breath. “Come on.”

Zach is pulling him by the hand with urgency, and he barely notices the rest of the walk, the silent wait in the elevator, the moments of fumbling for keys outside the door. His mind is stuttering, not quite able believe that they’re finally here… that what he thinks is about to happen might actually happen after all this time.

He believes it more when Zach gets them through the door and crowds him up against the wall. And _god_ it’s fucking perfect. Just as hot as Berlin, but without the self-doubt. He wants Zach so completely he aches with it.

“There’s no _fucking_ way I’m sleeping in your spare bedroom,” he manages between kisses.

“No,” Zach agrees, pushing Chris’ jacket off his shoulders. “You are absolutely _not._ And there’s no way you’re wearing this sweater in public again.”

“I don’t know,” Chris answers, pulling off Zach’s coat and palming his chest through his shirt. “It seems to have had the effect I was hoping for.”

“Bedroom,” Zach growls. “Now.”

There’s a brief struggle with shoes and clothes, and then they’re falling into Zach’s bed, and Chris decides that his memory must be _shit_ in his old age. Because he remembered Zach being achingly beautiful and hot as the fucking sun, but this feels a thousand times better than his memory. Zach is strong and so fucking _present_ it robs Chris of his breath. In no time, Zach has Chris laid out beneath him, mouth plundering him, hard cock pressed against his and moving and _fucking hell_ —

“Stop,” he manages, and Zach freezes, pausing a half second before moving to pull away.

“No,” Chris threads both hands through Zach’s hair and pulls him down for a kiss. “Not _stop_ ,” he reassures. “Just, I don’t want to come like this and you feel so fucking good.”

Zach lets out a held breath and relaxes onto his elbows, framing Chris’ face and kissing him. “How do you want to come?” he asks against Chris’ skin, branding it as his own. Chris thinks perhaps his skin has been Zach’s all along, the way it’s responding to finally feeling him again. Like it’s been asleep for _years_.

God, he hopes it’s not too much, too fast as he answers, “With you... I want to feel you inside me when I come.”

Zach swears and kisses him again, deep and slowly and more deliberately than before. “Yeah,” he finally answers. And after one more long, deep kiss, he moves away to get supplies.

It’s _exactly_ like Berlin, Chris thinks as Zach’s slicked fingers start to work him open with a skill and familiarity that makes the years between then and now melt away. He’s aflame under Zach’s skilled hands and soft lips and hot breath. He offers himself up and allows Zach to take anything, taste _anything_.

And it’s _nothing_ like Berlin, because as much as his skin sings, his mind is clear and not utterly lost in sensation. He’s focused on memorizing Zach and every little satisfied sound he makes as he claims Chris with his touch and his tongue and his breath. They are not merely two bodies finding pleasure in each other. They are two minds and hearts and — if he wants to be completely corny about it — souls reconnecting after too long an absence. And Chris is no longer a passive novice. He knows what he likes, helps sets the pace, pulls Zach up his body and whispers, “it’s time” when he knows he’s ready, wraps his legs around Zach’s hips as Zach sinks into him. Holds Zach and kisses his face patiently when Zach is all the way in, taut and still and straining for control. And then, after long breaths, they move together, finding a rhythm, shifting until _yes right there._ And the intensity builds, and thrusts grow stronger and deeper, muscles bunching and flexing. Their breath heaving and blending and one. And then vibrant, vivid, bright heat and searing light and _fuck yes come for me christ yes you are so fucking beautiful._

Zach collapses on the bed beside him, panting, and Chris feels empty and so very, _very_ full. He blindly reaches a hand to find Zach’s and laces their fingers as they slowly recover their breath.

Just as he’s starting to feel a chill from his cooling sweat, the jingle of dog collars penetrates his mind, and Zach huffs a laugh and leans his forehead against Chris’ shoulder. “Well, their timing could have been worse. I should really take them out before we fall asleep, or we’ll wake up to a mess.”

“Hmmm.” Chris agrees. “And I should take my contacts out or my eyes will be bloodshot and sore tomorrow.”

“Meet you back here in 5?” Zach asks, rising up onto an elbow so he can look at Chris' face. He brushes a finger along Chris’ temple and kisses him, and Chris gets no indication of awkwardness or hesitancy, or that Zach wants Chris anywhere but back in his bed.

“Yeah,” he agrees.

It’s terribly domestic, Chris thinks as he retreats to the spare bedroom to get his toiletry kit while Zach dresses and rounds up the dogs. As he hears the front door click closed, Chris comes back to the master bathroom to clean up, washing himself off and removing his contacts. He’s brushing his teeth as Zach enters the bathroom, rubbing his hands together against the chill, only to stop dead in his tracks at the sight of Chris at his sink wearing nothing but a pair of thick-framed glasses.

“So it wasn’t all a dream, then?” he asks, as if he’d really convinced himself over the last five minutes that he’d imagined it all.

Chris shakes his head and spits out his toothpaste, turning to face Zach with a grin. The satisfying ache in his ass speaks to the reality of what they just did physically, and Zach’s open, possessive gaze as he looks Chris up and down speaks volumes of what just happened between them emotionally. Chris finds himself profoundly pleased with both. “You’re wearing too many clothes,” he answers, offering Zach a brief kiss as he passes on his way back to the bed. Zach’s eyes follow him the whole way.

He climbs under the covers and sets his glasses on the nightstand, listening to Zach quickly wash up and brush his teeth. There’s the soft rustle of clothes dropping to the floor and the dip of the mattress as Zach slides in next to him.

He rolls toward Zach, resting his head on Zach’s chest and nestling up against chilled skin, sighing as Zach’s arms wrap around him and fingers tangle in his hair.

He has to figure out how to make this permanent life, because it’s perfect. Not just _this_ but the whole day… everything since he entered Zach’s apartment.

“This okay?” Zach’s voice is gravelly and content and just the tiniest bit unsure.

“Hmmm. This is my favorite.”

“Good,” comes the drowsy response.

And with that, they drift off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm heading out to a place that might not have wifi, so it may be next weekend before the last two chapters are posted. Both are drafted though, and just need beta work and editing, so we're close...
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay in posting as I was camping without wifi, but here is the last chapter of the main story, with only a brief epilogue remaining. Thanks as ever to Punk and Ducky for their help and encouragement. Hope you enjoy!

**August 24th, 2018**

Chris awakens to bright sunlight streaming against his closed eyelids, feeling happy and well rested and… and he’s _spooning_ a warm body that smells _so_ good, and he’s completely hard and—

And this is _Zach,_ holy shit!

His eyes fly open as the events of the day before flood his memory to find he’s breathing against the nape of Zach’s neck, soft, dark hair tickling his nose. His arm is draped loosely over Zach’s side and… it’s _so good_. It’s… He wants to snuggle closer, wants to press his erection against warm skin, but he’s worried that despite’s Zach’s assurance that when in a relationship (and god, Chris _hopes_ that’s what this is) he does _anything_ , he might not appreciate waking up with an insistent hard-on pressed against his ass. They never talked last night, and he _really_ doesn’t know where they stand. Everything seems fantastic, but he doesn’t want to push his luck.

So, he tries to shift back — not _away_ — but just create a few inches of distance between them to let Zach sleep. Zach is apparently awake, though, and chases him, pressing himself back until Chris’ erection is not just flush with his skin but caught in the groove of his ass. Chris groans and can’t help but roll his hips, just a little. It feels so fucking good, and even better, shows Zach isn’t harboring doubts or regrets about last night.

“Good morning.” Zach’s voice is gravelly and delicious and makes Chris’ cock jump. Which in turn makes Zach rumble a laugh and turn his head for a kiss.

“It certainly is,” Chris answers, kissing him and wrapping an arm across his chest.

“Hmmm.” Zach stretches and flexes against Chris. “I think it’s my turn.”

Chris kisses his shoulder. “Your turn for what?”

“To feel you inside me.”

Chris closes his eyes, rests his forehead against Zach’s shoulder, and absolutely shudders in pleasure at the thought.

“You want that?”

“Oh yeah. I want to feel you everywhere.”

And _that_ … that’s an interesting proposition.

“Do you have massage oil?”

“Yeah… a lotion, anyway,” Zach says, a bit confused. “But wouldn’t lube be better?”

Chris tightens his embrace. “I’ll use the lube eventually,” he says against the side of Zach’s neck. “But I’ve never had carte blanche to touch you _everywhere_. I feel inclined to take advantage.”

Zach’s breath catches, and he squeezes Chris’ arm before rolling away momentarily and returning with a hand-towel, condom, lube, and massage lotion.

“Do we need to do something for the dogs?” Chris asks as he sits up and spreads out the supplies. “I don’t intend to let you up for a while.”

“They’ll be fine,” Zach says, smiling and getting comfortable on his stomach, arms loosely bent near his pillow. “We got in so late, they’re good for a few more hours.”

Chris tears the condom package open while his hands are still dry and sets it on the hand-towel. Then he picks up the lotion and straddles Zach’s lower back, ignoring his own cock in favor of warming some lotion in his hands and spreading it over Zach’s shoulders. He’s never done this. Most of the time when he’s touched Zach, it felt stolen. Copping a feel and just getting a hint of the strong muscle under suit jackets or sweaters. Even the few times they were intimate on that one press tour, Chris was always just hanging on for dear life. There was never any control. Never any exploration… not really. It was hot and intense and straight to business, the foreplay having already occurred in the form of wordplay and secret looks. But this — slowly starting with Zach’s neck and exploring how it joins his shoulders, how the muscles flex under his hands and then relax — this feels _luxurious_. And from the groans and sighs he’s pulling from Zach, he’s feeling much the same way.

Chris’ hands explore Zach thoroughly — from shoulders to arms and back again, tracing muscles back to Zach’s spine. He’s in good shape, despite not currently playing a particularly athletic role. And everywhere Chris’ hands roam, his mouth follows, placing open mouthed kisses across relaxed muscles of Zach’s back. Claiming his skin, the way Zach claimed his last night. Licking his way down Zach’s spine until he finally places a chaste kiss on his tailbone. Zach’s been lost in feeling for a while now, eyes closed, arms moving aimlessly against the sheets, but now he stills, waiting to see what Chris will do next. When Chris shifts out of the straddle, Zach spreads his legs to make room for Chris to settle between them.

Chris is aching now, hard and dripping, but not ready to end this exploration quite yet. He bends over again to kiss the base of Zach’s spine, cupping his ass with both hands and spreading it, thumbs sliding down to brush across Zach’s opening. The sound Zach makes in response is delicious.

“Okay?” he asks, continuing to rub and kiss.

“Yes,” Zach gasps. “God, Chris, it’s amazing, it’s…” He buries his face in his pillow as Chris’ lips move lower, chasing his thumbs. “ _Chris_ … anything...”

The first brush of tongue has Zach clawing at the sheets muttering something that sounds like “oh god” but is too muffled by the pillow to be sure. Chris takes it as encouragement and for the next several minutes has the immense satisfaction of driving Zach nearly to the edge, his normally sesquipedalian commentary reduced to moans and grunts. Chris blindly reaches for the lube, slicks up a finger, and slowly pushes it in as he continues to tease, until Zach is asking for more between panting breaths.

All of the times Chris imagined being inside Zach, it was never once from behind. “Turn over first,” he says. It takes a moment the words to infiltrate Zach’s mind, but then he shifts onto his back. He seems almost surprised by the daylight and Chris kneeling between his legs, applying more lube to his fingers.

“Hi,” Chris says, as if welcoming him back from wherever he was in his head.

Zach huffs a laugh. “Hi.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah,” Zach reassures, as he settles back into the pillows. “Very okay. Bordering on fantastic.”

“Good. Because I’m nowhere near done with you.” And with that Chris bends over to kiss Zach’s chest as he starts to work him open in earnest. It’s intimate in a way Chris had never expected to have with Zach. Zach is as generous in this as he is in anything, splaying himself under Chris and encouraging him with little shifts of his body, sounds against Chris’ skin, fingers roaming his back and shoulders and neck, urging him closer, until they seem to realize together that Zach is ready.

“Chris,” he whispers. And it’s time

Chris quickly dons the condom and slicks it up, and wipes his hands on the towel before leaning over Zach and lining himself up.

“Okay?” he asks again, and Zach just nods and digs his fingers into Chris’ back to urge him forward. And it’s _bliss_. Zach is tight and hot and isn’t resisting him at all. He checks Zach’s face and finds no pain, just an expression of concentration and encouraging words on his lips. Chris slowly pushes forward in small pulses, in and out, easing himself into Zach’s heat, stopping when it feels so fucking good he’s afraid he’ll lose control. And then when he’s almost all the way in, he realizes there’s something in Zach’s expression that’s wrong — not blissed out concentration. Something distracted, or almost _sad_. He freezes.

“Am I hurting you?”

Zach shakes his head and blinks several times, and that’s… that’s not good.

“Do you need me to stop?”

“No!” Zach cries, grasping at Chris and trying to pull him further up his body… further _into_ his body.

“Wait… wait, Zach.” Chris holds himself still, resisting Zach’s pull. Because if they are not on the same page here... “What’s wrong?”

Zach shakes his head again and looks up at the ceiling.

“Hey. Hey, talk to me. We talk now, don’t we?” He reaches a hand up to brush through Zach’s hair and stroke his temple as he takes several shuddering breaths.

“Sorry,” Zach says, shaking his head and holding Chris’ hips, keeping him from moving away. “Please don’t stop, you feel _so good_ , and I’ve wanted this so long. I just…” Another shaky breath and then, “I really want this to work between us, and I just… I should be focused on enjoying the moment, but my mind keeps tripping up on all the obstacles.”

“Oh,” Chris says gently, dipping his head down to kiss Zach. With a small smile, he adds, “Is that all?”

“Yeah,” Zach huffs, clearly irritated with himself.

Chris kisses him again, tries to smooth the annoyance from Zach’s brow and temple as uncertain eyes meet his. Zach looks beautifully vulnerable, and Chris is honored that he’d share his worries now rather than gloss them over. But he also wants to ease away all these uncertainties, and make Zach as confident as he himself is starting to feel. Because if they _both_ want this, then surely it’s possible. “Well, as it turns out, I’ve been thinking about that, too.  A lot.  Rather obsessively, actually. And I may have some ideas.”

“Yeah?” Zach raises an eyebrow, hopeful and unguarded. “Tell me.”

Chris settles on his elbows, hands framing Zach’s face, bodies pressed together. “First of all, I’m going to cancel my flight next week. I’ll stay here through the end of your run to give us an idea of what it would be like to live together.”

Zach nods and chews at his lip, the corners of his mouth twitching upward. “Yeah, that sounds good. That sounds really good.”

“Then, in a few weeks, when we realize things are going really well — because I’ve no doubt they’ll be going _really_ well — we’ll go get your stuff out of storage and figure out what you want to keep, what you want to get rid of. And anything you want to keep that doesn’t fit here, we’ll ship to California. When the play is over we’ll head out there and move your things in so you have a real base on the west coast as well as here.”

Zach pulls Chris down for a kiss and rocks his hips, encouraging Chris to push deeper into him. “Yeah. And break in one of the deck chairs for real. And then?”

“Hmm.” Chris’ mind falters over that visual and the sensation of being buried in Zach again. _Christ_ , he feels good. “Ah… then it will be time for me to head back to the UK.” He pulls out of Zach and pushes in slowly, adding, “And you can decide whether you want to come with me, or stay in LA with the dogs and do Before the Door stuff, or come back here. But if you stay stateside, you’ll know I’m yours.” He pulls partway out and thrusts in again, watching Zach’s face morph in pleasure. “And I’ll remind you as much as you need. And we’d have _amazing_ phone sex,” he says, thrusting a bit harder for emphasis. “Not that awkward sexting because I’m afraid that it’ll all come to a crashing halt if I suggest we actually hear each other come.”

Zach laughs and rocks harder, meeting Chris’ thrusts and _fuck_ that’s glorious. Hot and tight and deliciously slick. But even better, Zach is looking up at him now with nothing but joy in his face. He looks beautiful and fucking hot — all his muscles bunching and flexing as he pulls at Chris, creating their rhythm. “And then?”

 _Christ_. He’s not going to be able to form words for much longer. “Ah… fuck… um, holidays. So I’ll probably ask you to meet me in London so we can Christmas shop, and then… I don’t know… Pittsburgh or LA for Christmas… or here, if you want to host friends.”

“Yeah,” Zach answers, reaching down to Chris’ ass to pull him closer, setting a faster, harder rhythm. “And then?”

Chris’ mind stutters. It feels too good for language… words… words are hard to find. And the words that his mind is tripping over for what comes after that — marriage, adoption, happily ever after — it feels too early for these words, even now.

“Whatever we want,” he says instead. “Whatever we decide together, forever.” And Zach pulls him down into a fierce kiss, and there are no more words for a while. There’s just _them_ , hard and needy and chasing pleasure that feels connected to the future now. Zach pulls him hard against his body to increase the friction against his cock, and arches up and cries out and comes between them. Chris swallows his cries, wanting to taste the evidence of Zach’s pleasure, and the aftershocks of Zach’s orgasm send Chris over the edge, buried deep in heat and affection.

They stay like that for long moments, just breathing and clinging to each other. But it doesn’t feel desperate...like before when they were each other’s raft on a churning sea. Zach feels as stable and solid as Gibraltar. A true home port, wherever he decides to be. And he hopes he can be that for Zach, as well. Chris gives Zach a long, lazy kiss, pulls out — earning a disgruntled whine from Zach — disposes of the condom, and collapses next to him. His breathing is finally slowing when Zach abruptly rolls toward him and cups his face in both hands, watching him earnestly.

“Yes. Yes to all of it. This whole… bicoastal boyfriends plan of yours… even the part you stumbled over.”

Chris grins so hard when he leans forward he can barely manage a kiss, but Zach doesn’t seem to mind. He’s grinning just as hard. It makes Chris’ heart flip to see him so happy.

“Good. I’ll cancel the flight today.” He wraps his arms loosely around Zach and gets comfortable. They’ll have to clean up soon, but he just wants to linger in the afterglow a few more minutes. “Do we have plans? Other than getting you to the stage door by six?”

“Now that we’re established as boyfriends, my plans pretty much all involve keeping you naked and in this bed as much as possible.”

“Hmmm. Breakfast in bed. Oooh. Welsh cakes! In bed!”

Zach laughs. “Oh my god, I’m going to be fighting crumbs in the sheets for the rest of my life, aren’t I?”

Chris shakes his head. “Just on special occasions. Which this totally is. But, no. I don’t like that either. I’m already nearly to the point that I need to wash up and change these sheets, I just don’t really want to move yet." He closes his eyes and turns his head so his temple is touching Zach’s hair. “And I’m already completely resigned to having two toothpastes, because you squeeze from the middle of the tube, and it will make me cry if we share.”

Zach snorts and finds Chris’ hand, lacing their fingers together. “Will you move some of your things here too, so this is a second home for you?”

“Yeah.” Chris squeezes his hand. “I had so much fun last night. I’d love to spend more time here with you. Not just while the play is on, but whenever you have something going that keeps you here.”

“And when I don’t have a play, I’d love to go home with you to LA.”

He sounds content and a little sleepy… post-coital bliss.  And Chris can relate. He’s drifting a little himself when a giggle bubbles up out of Zach.

“What?” Chris asks sleepily, eyes still closed.

When no answer is immediate, he opens his eyes to find Zach grinning at him.

“What?” he asks again, smiling, because that grin is fucking contagious.

“This is going to work,” Zach declares.

Chris just laughs and raises their joined hands to his lips. “Yeah. It is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pinto de Mayo can last two months, right?
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Punk and Ducky for all their help. Seriously. This story would not have happened without their encouragement, and would have been much messier without their help. And thanks to all the Beans! I'm two days shy of the 2-month PdM anniversary... sorry again it got so spread out.
> 
> Also, The End.

**August 27th, 2018**

_5:11 p.m._

LLAP: Hey, where are you? I just got back from shopping. Is your meeting still going?

CP:...

CP: Just ended, and we’re still sort of talking. Do we have plans tonight?

LLAP: I was just going to ask what you wanted for dinner. It’s not a show night, but my stomach is still on Boys time.

CP: Would you mind waiting a bit?

LLAP: Uh, sure. What’s up?

CP: Dominic just asked me to dinner. Sort of half social, half business.

LLAP: Oh. Well, that’s fine. I understand these things come up.

CP:...

CP: He’s got us a reservation at La Grenouille at 6:30.

LLAP: Wow. Posh.

CP: So can you make it? I mean, it’s across town and you weren’t planning on going out tonight. It’ll probably be a bit boring…

LLAP: You want me to come with you?

CP: Well, yeah. Like I said, it’s part social. He’s bringing his wife. I’d like to bring my boyfriend… partner… we really need to discuss what label you prefer. But it’s crazy short notice, and you’ve had the play every night for the last four, so if you’d rather skip it, it’s fine.

LLAP:...

CP: I can tell him we should do it another night and just come home.

LLAP: I’d love to come.

LLAP: And don’t be an idiot, this could lead to a major film; of course you should go to the dinner. Are you coming here to change or going straight from there?

CP: It sounds like he and I are moving this meeting to the restaurant bar, and hoping we’ll be done with most of the business by the time you and Angie get there for dinner. If that’s okay.

LLAP: That’s perfect. I’ve always wanted to try that place.

LLAP:...

LLAP: Are you sure you’re going to be okay being out in a not-theater-district, not-park, just normal-part-of-the-city? We haven’t really done that yet.

CP: I’m sure. And anyway, Angie is apparently your biggest fan.

LLAP: Not possible. I know who my biggest fan is, and he shares my bed.

CP:...

CP: I have a really suggestive reply to that, but Dominic says the car is ready, so we’re heading out. Hold that thought for dessert.

LLAP: See you in an hour.

 

 

**August 30th, 2018**

_4:30 p.m._

LLAP: Are you going to use your ticket tonight?

CP: I can come if you want me there.

LLAP: You came to every show last week, baby. I don’t expect that. I mean, I loved it, and it was fun, but that’s not sustainable. If you want a quiet night, you’re allowed. Matt’s sister has a friend coming into town, so if you aren’t using it, we’d have a good home for it. But if you _want_ to come, we’ll find something else for her.

CP: You sure? I feel like I should be out there supporting you.

LLAP: You do support me. But this play isn’t even my whole life, much less yours. And you haven’t had a night to yourself in ages. Save up your energy and we’ll go out with the cast Saturday after the show.

CP: Are you all going out tonight?

LLAP: No, I’ll be home by 11. I’m tired too.

CP: I’ll have some food and wine ready for you.

LLAP: Perfect. See you then.

 

 

**September 7th, 2018**

_2:17 p.m._

CP: Did we decide the paintings belong in LA or NYC?

LLAP: Which paintings?

CP: The one in my den and the one in your living room, that we decided needed to be together when we rearrange our belongings.

LLAP:...

LAPP: Have we decided we’re doing that? I thought we were still in the “see how living together goes” phase. I put in my calendar that I could ask you on the 10th, based on what you said in your plan.

CP:...

CP: You marked your calendar based on a timeline I created on the fly during _sex_? I don’t even remember what I said.

LLAP: I was afraid I would rush you. You said “in a few weeks” on the 24th. When said sex occurred.

CP: Oh my god. Well, it’s been exactly two weeks, so I think we’re good.

LLAP: Two would be “a couple of weeks.” “A few” is longer… I was already pushing it a bit by scheduling Monday.

CP: So… if we talk about this now, I’m rushing you, but in three days, it’s not rushing?

LLAP: You aren’t rushing _me_ either way. I’m ready to blend our households right now, even though it’s crazy on the surface. But I’ve decided we’ve been retroactively dating since August 9th.

CP: Oh, you have? Was that the night of the storm?

LLAP: Yeah. Because that was the first time we admitted we’d both been thinking about Berlin, and you actually told me you wished I were there with you. It could have been earlier. Or it could have been the night by the pool. Or the night of the play. But I’m counting it from the 9th.

CP: That’s… I can get behind that. Can you come down to Forum Gallery?

LLAP: What, now?

CP: Yeah.

LLAP: Sure, but why?

CP: I’m looking at a painting that I think would go really well with the other two, and depending on whether we wanted them here or in LA, we could make room for a third. And it’s a bit evocative of the park, and I need you to come down here and either talk me into buying it or talk me out of buying it, because I don’t want to decide without your input, since it’s for our collection. And it seems we have a one-month anniversary coming up.

LLAP: You want to buy art with me?

CP: Unless you think I’m rushing you.

LLAP: I’ll be down there in 20 minutes.

 

 

**September 21st, 2018**

_1:34 p.m._

LLAP: I’m done with my meeting and heading home. Do you need me to pick up Wednesday’s dog food?

CP: No, I got it this morning when I went for coffee.

CP: Oh, and there’s a new furniture store on Hillhurst I passed on my run. Might be a good place to look for a desk if you really want to convert that room at the end of the hall into your office.

LLAP: You really wouldn't mind?

CP: Of course not. I mean, I don’t really mind sharing my office, but it feels temporary. If these Door projects take off like it seems they might, you’ll need a space where you can really spread out and organize things how you want, and not feel like you have to put everything away every night if you're in the middle of something.

LLAP: Maybe we can go this afternoon. When do we head over to your folks?

CP: Mom wants us there by 7, but I was thinking we’d bring the dogs, which would mean we can’t shop on the way over. Maybe we can go down tomorrow. Though I should warn you, my dad is probably going to invite us to play golf.

LLAP: I don’t golf.

CP: Yeah, me either.

LLAP: Maybe you can teach me whack-a-mole.

CP: I don’t know. That requires some prodigious skill and fortitude.

LLAP: You realize that if we both go, your dad is never going to be able to show his face on the course again.

CP: Yeah. It’ll be awesome.

 

 

**October 3rd, 2018**

_11.08 a.m._

CP: Our lives are about to get complicated… more complicated.

LLAP: How so?

CP: I just got my filming schedule from Jason. I’m emailing it to you so you can decide how much you might want to come along for.

LLAP: When do you leave?

CP: The 13th. I know you have production work going… if you can’t make it, I understand. But I’d love to have you there, whenever you can get away. I’ll request a suite, anyway, so you can come and go as you need to and we’ll have a bit of space.

LLAP: You’re shooting straight through Thanksgiving.

CP: Yeah, but I’ll be home well before Christmas.

CP: And then Wonder Woman is shooting in the spring... on location in DC. So maybe we can be based out of NYC then, if your LA projects are wrapping up.

LLAP: Spring in NY is my favorite.

CP: I remember the pictures.

LLAP: I'll have to work out the details, but how about if I make two, two-week trips out to the UK while you’re there? End of October, and then end of November so we can celebrate Thanksgiving with the other Americans in the cast.

CP: That’s perfect. I’ll find us something fun to do on Halloween.

 

 

**November 15th, 2018**

_11:17 a.m._

LLAP: There’s no cranberry sauce in this entire country. Or fresh cranberries to make it.

 

_12:07 p.m._

CP: I can try to ask around here… maybe someone knows something.

LLAP: They’ll just tell you all the stores I’ve been to. Stores here _carry_ it (on the special “American food” aisle with the Velveeta and Poptarts). Everyone’s just out.

LLAP: If we ever do this again I’ll bring it in checked luggage.

LLAP: Because I just paid an absolutely _stupid_ amount of money to Amazon to ship it by Wednesday.

CP: How much time have you put into this? You didn’t have to go to all this trouble.

LLAP: It’s our first Thanksgiving as a couple. And I’m feeling pretty thankful, Tesco notwithstanding.

CP: I love you

LLAP:...

LLAP:...

LLAP: did you just tell me you love me for the first time in a _text_? Because I found you a can of cranberry sauce?

CP: No

LLAP:...

CP: I’ve told you lots of times. You’re just always asleep.

LLAP: those don’t count

CP: They totally do. You could have been pretend sleeping.

CP: and you shouldn’t be surprised that food is involved… the _real_ first time was after you made me Puttanesca.

LLAP: No, you’re right. I shouldn’t be surprised by that.

 

_12:12 p.m._

LLAP: I love you too.

 

 

**December 21st, 2018**

_8:30 p.m._

LLAP: Mom just called.

CP: Everything okay?

LLAP: She’s really excited. Asking me about your favorite foods and sweets and such.

CP: Did you warn her I’m training?

LLAP: I did. She said running in the snow is hard, so you’ll have to eat up.

CP:...

CP: Your mom is fierce.

LLAP: She raised two boys, and we didn’t win many arguments.

CP: At least Steve Trevor doesn’t have to be as fit as Kirk.

LLAP: True. We’ll both be training hard soon enough. For now, might as well eat mom’s cranberry-pear cobbler.

 

 

**March 8th, 2019**

_10:47 a.m._

LLAP: How’s filming going?

CP: Great! We’re between shots right now while they move some cameras. It’s sort of cramped on the balcony so we have to keep doing the same scene so they can get the different angles.

LLAP: Yeah. There are actually quite a few gifs of you and Gal “behind the scenes”

CP: I’m not surprised. They’re trying to keep people out, but we’re pretty exposed. I’ve seen more than one phone up and recording. See anything ridiculous or embarrassing? Gal tripped in those stupid boots yesterday.

LLAP: No, nothing like that.

LLAP:...

 

_10:52 a.m._

CP: Is everything okay?

LLAP:...

LLAP: I’m just looking for words that don’t make me sound like a stalkerish, jealous boyfriend.

CP: What?

LLAP: You guys are really handsy with each other.

CP: What?

LLAP: You just… there are videos of her grabbing your triceps and you holding her waist

LLAP: And I’m _not_ actually worried

LLAP: I trust you, and I promised I wouldn’t be like this. Like he was.

LLAP: But I really hate it.

CP:...

LLAP: I’m sorry

CP:...

LLAP: I just… I’m being ridiculous. I _know_ I’m being ridiculous

LLAP: And I don’t expect you to change anything, but I just didn’t want it to fester and become something even MORE ridiculous

LLAP: so I’m confessing my crazy, ridiculous, possessiveness

CP: You’re adorable when you’re jealous

LLAP: I’m really not.

CP: No, I guess not. Or... maybe just a little.

LLAP:...

CP: Well, to start with, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

CP: And if you’ll recall, I’m pretty handsy with everyone.

LLAP: I know

LLAP: and I normally find it sort of charming

CP: But?

LLAP:...

CP: Gal is different for some reason?

LLAP: She’s fucking _Wonder Woman_

CP: So she is. Truly.

CP: Why don’t you come down this weekend?

LLAP: I really don’t think that you should encourage this behavior. I just figured if I told you, I’d feel better

CP: Did it work?

LLAP: No. I just feel stupid.

CP: Zach.

CP: Please come down this weekend.

CP: We have Sunday off, and Gal’s family isn’t here, and she’s pretty lonely, so we were going to hang out. It would give you a chance to get to know her.

CP: She’s my friend, and really great. And married with a family.

CP: And I’m sure if you got to know her you’d realize I’m handsy with her the way I am with Patrick, and not the way I am with you.

LLAP:...

LLAP: If I come down, I feel like I’m doing what Adam did and keeping an eye on you, and I don’t need to. I really don’t. I trust you.

LLAP: I just miss you.

CP: And I miss you, too. And I love you, and want you to get to know my friends and colleagues the way I got to know the Gay Mafia.

CP: And she’d like to get to know you as well. I’ve told her all about our history and she’s really charmed by it.

CP: So come down and hang out with us.

CP: And this isn’t anything like what Adam did, because Adam didn’t talk to me about what bothered him. He just didn’t trust me, and then wrote me off because being with someone he couldn’t trust was exhausting.

CP: Which I get; it would be. But I hadn’t done anything to deserve his distrust. He was judging me based not on what I’d done, but who I am.

CP: You aren’t doing any of that.

CP: You’re owning that what you’re feeling is irrational, and more importantly, you’re talking to me before it becomes a problem.

LLAP:...

CP: Look, we’re both really busy people, with a lot of projects that are important to us, and close relationships outside _our_ relationship, and I love that about us. But it also means that sometimes those projects keep us apart for longer than is...idk desirable? Healthy? And I think in those moments it’s okay to ask for some reassurance.

CP: So come down. Let me show you off to my friends here, and help us both feel connected to each other again.

LLAP: You’re sure? I don’t want to crowd you.

CP: Did it feel like I was crowding you when I came to the play all those times and hung out with the cast?

LLAP: No. I loved it.

CP: See? I’d love it, too. Is there something happening you need to be in NY for?

LLAP: Not really. I’m just managing Door projects.

CP: Then please come for as long as you want. I can ask to be moved to a dog-friendly hotel if you want to bring them.

LLAP:...

LLAP: I think I’ll board them with Jessica if she’s available. They like it over there, and they'll go crazy in a hotel room.

CP: That’s probably true. I’m being called to set.

LLAP: Okay, let me make some arrangements.

LLAP: Sorry for being… insecure I guess.

CP: I love you, and we’ve both been through enough romantically — and this thing between us is still new enough — that I think it’s totally understandable. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me. I really think we can get through anything together if we just keep talking.

LLAP: That does seem to be the way of it.

LLAP: I love you. Break a leg.

CP: I love you too. See you soon.

 

 

**July 17th, 2019**

_4.12 p.m._

LLAP: Chris? I just heard. Where are you?

CP: Hospital

LLAP: Fuck. Let me get out of costume and come over. What happened?

CP: You don't have to. They’ll be releasing me soon, I think.

CP: It’s totally my fault. We were filming the fight scene, and I went right when I should have gone left.

CP: Makeup is going to give me such shit over this bruise.

LLAP: Where?

CP: Right cheek. There’s one on my shoulder too, but that’s easy to hide. Then there’s the massive one on my ego. You’re the only one who gets to see that one.

CP: And I sprained my wrist.

LLAP: Anything else? Zoe made it sound awful. Told me about it as soon as I got off soundstage 2.

CP: They think I might be concussed. If I am, you’ll have to wake me up a bunch of times tonight, and I can’t film anything for a few days.

CP: What a fucking mess.

LLAP: Hey. Don’t do that to yourself. It was an accident. Everyone’s just worried about you.

LLAP: And if you’re concussed, I’ll come up with creative ways to wake you up.

CP:...

CP: Ouch

LLAP: What?

CP: You made me laugh.

LLAP: Sorry? Does that mean you aren’t interested?

CP: I didn’t say that.

CP: Your brand of treatment seems much preferable to what’s happening here.

LLAP: I’ll kiss your bruised ego and make it better. Among other things.

CP:...

CP: I love you. I do feel a bit better now.

LLAP: I’m going to get de-eared and de-browed, and then I’ll either come get you or meet you at home if you’ve already been released. Who’s with you?

CP: Brady. He’ll drive me home.

LLAP: Okay. I’ll see you soon. Love you.

CP: Love you too.

 

 

**October 8th, 2019**

_2:43 p.m._

CP: I’m home. You out with the dogs?

LLAP:...

LLAP: Yeah, I was walking them in the park and ran into Mrs. Cohen.

CP: Mrs. Cohen… Oh, the elderly lady in the building next door with the two Lhasa Apsos?

LLAP: Exactly. I was telling her about our disastrous home search and yesterday’s depressing open houses in the UWS, and she said her girls were moving her down to Florida so they can keep a closer eye on her, and maybe we should look at her place, since it will be on the market soon.

CP: Oh wow. So, are you there now?

LLAP: Yeah, and you need to come over, because it might be perfect.

LLAP: Well, not _perfect_ … nothing’s been updated for 40 years. But the location and the bones are perfect, and maybe if we agree to buy it as is, we can save the family the trouble of remodeling it to get a better price, and be able to renovate it to our tastes before moving in.

CP: How big is it?

LLAP: Huge. The building is smaller than ours, but she has the whole top floor. And there’s an open-air courtyard or atrium in the middle — very private — AND roof access on the east side, so we could potentially build a roof deck with a view of Central Park.

LLAP: I mean, it needs a lot of work, so I guess it would depend on the price.

CP: Yeah, but getting to update it to our tastes and style sounds potentially fun. As long as we don’t have to do the actual work. Does she mind if I come over?

LLAP: No, she’s laying out cookies. Says we’re both too skinny.

CP: Sounds like Grammie.

LLAP: She’s definitely letting her Bubbe flag fly more than I normally see. But she loves this neighborhood, and loves that we love it and want to stay. So she may have adopted us when I wasn’t looking.

CP: I’m game... I love all my adoptive families.

 

 

**December 8th, 2019**

_1:22 p.m._

LLAP: I’ve got our tuxes.

CP: Great! You ready for this?

LLAP: Holding your hand on the red carpet? Absolutely. Premieres are always fun.

LLAP: Do you think people will notice the rings?

CP: Are you kidding? Of course they will.

CP: And if they don't, I’m going to give you _really_ lascivious Vulcan kisses on the red carpet until they do. All the Vulcans will blush and hide their faces.

LLAP: I don’t think Ben is quite as uptight as his character.

CP: Maybe Karl will go all Bones on our asses and chew us out for PDA.

LLAP: That _would_ be funny.

CP: Marriage, the final frontier.

LLAP: Don’t.

CP:...

LLAP: Seriously, don't. You’re such a dork.

CP: I really am.

CP: Still love me?

LLAP: Always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
